Free The Underground City by H. P. Mallory Page A

must’ve been.
    Bill nodded with glee, seeming incredibly anxious to enlighten us both, using his hands dramatically like he was planning to mime his story. “I was usin’ the urinal, an’ this freakin’ dude comes up next ta me an’ starts pissin’; an’ next thing I know, his piss is splashin’ out o’ the toilet an’ all over me!” he continued nodding vehemently, like it was too unbelievable to be true. “So I’m like: dafuq, yo? Right?” But Bill didn’t wait for anyone to respond. “Right!” Then he shook his head. “So now I’m stuck with some other dude’s piss all over my leg an’ Demon Bright here,” he glanced over at Ael, “don’t have a single goddamned shower in this shitbox.” He shook his head again. “Fuuck.” Then he looked at me. “The dude was totally sportin’ Eau de Douche anyway. Could smell him a mile away.”
    “You done lost your damn mind,” Ael replied, shaking his head, before looking at me. “I got no idea what the hell …”
    “I know,” I interrupted as I rolled my eyes, staring back at Bill as I shook my head. “No one ever knows what he’s talking about!”
    “Eau de Douche!” Bill repeated like we were both dumb. “You know, that obnoxious, headache causin’ cologne cloud that always hangs over those beefy, tight-ass shirt-wearin’ dudes who are really just total douche bags.” He nodded at both of us, like he’d just made a really good point. “An’ they’re such posers too! Freakin’ frauders! They wanna come off like they’re loaded, but the truth is they’re nothin’ but a bunch of fake Armani-wearin’ Splenda daddies ’cause they ain’t got the funds to pull off bein’ a real sugar daddy!”
    Ael pointed to the front of the gym and said with no slack in his jaw at all, “You’re not allowed back here no more. You stay up front an’ keep yourself occupied ’cause you’re gonna make me lose mah shit.”
    “I’m just sayin’!” Bill frowned as he held up his arms in submission. “CTFD yo … Calm the fuck down!”
    “Outta here!” Ael yelled at him as Bill shrugged once more and started for the front of the gym. Then looking back, first at Ael, then at me, before taking stock of the entire gym, he asked, “Anyone got one o’ them handheld Nintendos? ’Cause I got a whole bucket o’ nothin’ ta do right now.” No one responded and he shook his head. “Shit, this is totally gonna suck.”
    ***
    I’m not sure if our gym visit really sucked for Bill, but it definitely sucked for me. I couldn’t remember a time that I’d ever attempted to do anything so physical. And now, as Bill and I followed Tallis back through the woods, I had half a mind to ask Tallis to carry me the rest of the way.
    After three sets of fifteen reps of skull crushers, which coincidentally hurt my fingers more than my skull, we moved on to dips and chest presses. The chest presses equated to a straight bar with the burdensome head of a demon on either end. Apparently, Tallis wasn’t the only one fond of killing demons and keeping their heads. However, as far as I knew, Tallis didn’t go so far as to use them for chest pressing...
    After the demonic head chest presses, we practiced bicep curls and seated rows. From there, we ventured into lower body territory, which included so many squats, my butt felt like it might fall off. But Ael, just as expected, didn’t offer any sympathy at all. Instead, we then began three sets of fifteen reps of lunges. After the lunges came the leg extensions, and then, the leg curls. By that time, I felt like I’d been hit by a Mack truck.
    “But the worst had to be the deadlift,” I said as I glanced over at Bill and shook my head. I felt like I’d earned the opportunity to feel sorry for myself. Tallis was already five or so paces ahead of us, which seemed to be the rule, rather than the exception. “Or maybe the burpees.”
    “You mean vurpees,” Bill said with a smug smile and a chuckle. “Anytime I