Free A Kosher Dating Odyssey: One Former Texas Baptist's Quest for a Naughty & Nice Jewish Girl by van Wallach

Nochi [goodnight in Russian]. I love that you speak Russian and that you have such a strong Jewish identity. I also love the literary in you and your kind smile. We have many common interests. You seem chivalrous and just the sort of person who has the passion for life that I am looking for. You aren’t afraid to show yourself and be involved in your Judaism. I would look forward to chatting more with you.
     
    K and I dated several times and I thought highly of her. I still fondly remember our first date at a Thai restaurant in New Haven. I escorted her back to her car in a parking garage late at night, which she appreciated. No romance happened. She wanted a man without young children, and she found what she wanted. I met her husband at a party that they held before moving to another region. She still sends me updates on her life there and I’ve given her job leads.
    What drew me to a profile? I always liked women who were educated and articulate. But being blessed with XY chromosomes, I’m as visual as the next guy. Photos first grabbed my attention. A woman could write random ALL-CAPS gibberish ... with mindless ... ellipses ... and text talk LOL ROFLMA ((((hugs))))) OMG smiley face, but with attractive photos, she’ll still get rapt attention from guys who grow dizzy with desire at the sight of a well-turned ankle. That included me. Guys want to gobble the eye candy before they glance at the radishes and rutabaga.
     
    No photo generally meant bad news in the appearance department, although I was always willing to accommodate women who, for work reasons, didn’t want their photos online. These were the therapists, social workers and criminal defense attorneys. Otherwise, I had an innate ability to pick out profiles of Russians, Iranians and Latinas everywhere; it must have been the dramatic eye makeup and Slavic/Hispanic pouts (recall that my first post-marriage date was with the perfectly packaged Nadezhda). Just about every woman I ever wrote to with those backgrounds responded to me, and vice versa. Women from Israel, while great looking, never really connected, unless they were Americans who had moved there.
    I often liked the pictures and never contacted the women. I appreciate a snug sundress or evening gown as much as the next guy, but I can tell when I have zero chance of a response. And if a profile clearly indicated I wouldn’t make the grade (height, location, career, kid issues) then I wouldn’t write. But I could enjoy a stroll through the candy shop. However, I found hundreds of women worth a contact; beyond the photos, what appealed to me? Here is a fanciful best-of profile that pulls together all themes I liked, mixed with a dollop of wishful thinking:
     
    I am looking for a smart, creative man who is passionate about life and see the humor (and the irony) in what we experience each day. Please don’t send a tease or a flirt—be a big boy and think for yourself.
    The combination of chemistry and compatibility—a mix of friendship, affection, love, and sexual passion—is what I seek. Compassion and strength of character resonate with me, along with warmth, integrity and sincerity. I yearn for a big, open heart and a big, open mind in a worldly man who is generous in spirit and with his emotions. A touch of vulnerability can be sexy.
    What about me? Red hair, pale skin, I glow in the dark. My favorite novelists include Anita Shreve and Alan Furst. I’m an interesting combination of warm, eccentric and worldly with a liberal sprinkling of Mother Earth. I am a thinking man’s woman, part angel, part devil. My angel is intelligent, decent, loving, romantic warm and caring. She is classy, feminine, understanding and a giving friend (no, she is not a dog). My devil is brainy, ironical, hot, loves to laugh and can’t stand boredom. I enjoy hiking, live music and being with interesting creative types who remind me that my gray matter matters. For movies, I like indie foreign or classics with good