Free Vurt 3 - Automated Alice by Jeff Noon

in the road where even a zebra can cross. It's one of the Civil Serpents' better rulings --”
    “There's one!” cried Alice. And indeed there was: there was a zebra crossing the road a long, long way away from Alice and Celia. “Follow that zebra!” Alice called out.
    “He's a piebald, actually!” Celia added. Alice didn't bother to ask what a bald pie was doing in the conversation, she was far too busy running along towards where the zebra was crossing the road.
    “Look at that, Celia!” she called out as the pair of them reached the spot, “Whippoorwill is perched on the zebra's shoulder!”
    The parrot was perched on the zebra's shoulder. And, by that stripy transport, he was working his way towards the other side of the road. (Alice never thought to ask herself why the parrot simply didn't fly across the road, she was far too used to his wayward nature by now.) And indeed, just then Whippoorwill fluttered his green-and-yellow wings in quite a shameless display and twisted his head around through 180 degrees in order to squawk at Alice, “Why did the Catgirl cross the road?” Alice felt sure that the parrot was laughing at her, so she didn't even attempt an answer to this latest riddle. The zebra was looking rather scared during his passage between the parted ranks of the auto-horses (and wouldn't you, if you were a horse's relative in a horseless society?). It wasn't a real zebra of course; Alice had learnt enough about this future Manchester to know that nothing was really real any more. Oh no, following the effects of the Newmonia (if Pablo Ogden was to be believed), Whippoorwill was riding upon the shoulder of a Zebraman: a black-and-white-striped combination of the human and the zebra. This Zebraman had by now almost succeeded in crossing, so Alice nervously stepped into the road after him. The riders of the auto-horses shouted all manner of curses at Alice, the worst of which came from a sweating fat Pigboy: “What in the mud-bath is that?!” he snorted. “Some kind of a girl crossing the road!”
    “Where are we?” Alice asked of Celia, whilst only a little less than halfway across (and doing her very best to ignore the insults).
    “We are currently crossing a thoroughfare called Wilmslow Road”, Celia replied, “in a place called Rusholme: a small village some few miles away from the centre of Manchester.” Ahead of them now could be seen a large building with the words PALACE OF CHIMERA written large and golden across its frontage, and underneath these, FLUTTERING TODAY: FLIPPETY FLOPPETY COMES UNSTUCK!
    “Why do they call this village Rush Home?” asked Alice, a little further along in the crossing. “It seems to me that the people of Manchester are rushing away from their homes.”
    “Exactly so, Alice. And in eight hours' time they will commence to rush home after finishing their day's work. They call these twin times the rush-hours.”
    The Zebraman had by now managed to cross the road completely. The auto-horses started up a snarling and braying, as though they wanted to eat Alice and Celia alive, and then sprang forwards in a rapid burst of metallic clankings! Celia Doll firmly grabbed hold of Alice's hand and started to walk faster than anybody had ever walked before! Alice felt she was flying, so quickly did Celia move. “Celia!” Alice cried. “Where in the future did you learn to walk so quickly?” But her words were lost to the frightening wind that Celia created in her rush to get away from the accelerating auto-horses. “Oh well,” said Alice to herself, “I suppose if I were an Automated Alice I also would be able to walk as quickly.” Just then the screaming drive of horsey carriages fairly pounced upon the pair of them, aiming to squash!
    Alice and Celia did manage to cross the road of course, if only by the hairs on their smallest toenails. (And a good job too, otherwise this fable would be a very sorry story indeed. Why, I'm not even half-way through Alice's