Free Flat-Out Matt by Jessica Park

Ask me what?” Matt's heart was pounding.
    “My friend Dana wants you to call her.”
    How could he for one minute have thought that her heart was his? Stupid. It was utterly impossible. It was good thing that she’d stopped him from saying anything. Matt fought to fake his usual tone, fending off the tremble that wanted to take over. “That's not asking me anything.”
    “Stop correcting me. She wants to go out with you, you dork!”
    “Oh.” Matt groaned with more drama than necessary, but he needed a reason to turn his head away. Getting flustered was not something he was used to. Or liked. “I don't know about that.”
    “Matty, come on. You never go out!” Julie pleaded. “She's really cool. You'd like Dana.”
    “I'll think about it. How's that?” he offered. The last thing that he felt like talking about with Julie was taking out her friend. Good God, this was awful. Julie sounded so genuinely enthusiastic about the idea of him going out with someone else. She felt nothing for him, that was now clear. There was no Finn/Matt crossover. So that was that. And he would regroup quickly because he knew how to do that when necessary.
    “Have you ever had a girlfriend?”
    Matt turned back and wrinkled his face. Did she really think he was that inexperienced? Or that he was that undesirable? “Of course I've had a girlfriend. What kind of question is that?”
    Julie shrugged. “I don't know. You never mention anyone.”
    “I will admit that the romantic area of my life has been slow recently. I simply don't have time to go out with anyone right now. You know what my schedule is like with school and with Celeste.”
    “So you haven't dated since…you know? Celeste. The Flat Finn stuff.”
    “Not much. I had a pretty serious girlfriend, but then…” Matt struggled for how to say what he wanted to without saying too much. “Things changed around here.”
    “With Celeste?”
    Matt nodded.
    She didn't say anything for a minute. “When something happened?”
    Matt nodded again.
    “I'm sorry,” Julie said. “Because whatever it is, I can tell that you're dealing with it too. Maybe someday you'll want to tell me about it.”
     “Maybe someday,” Matt agreed. He wasn't one for talking deeply about anything to do with Finn's death, ever. But knowing that he could, even in this peripheral way, felt surprisingly good. “And my girlfriend at the time wasn't interested in staying together. Not everyone can tolerate my life. This house.”
    “I love Celeste, but she's hurting you, isn't she?”
    “Don't say that. I would sell my soul for my sister.”
    “I know you would.” Julie spoke slowly, and Matt knew that she was choosing her words with particular care. “But you must be angry with Finn for leaving. For making whatever happened to Celeste worse.”
    “I am angry with Finn.” This was true.
    He was angry with Finn for dying, for being dumb and reckless enough to jump into a car driven by someone clearly in the middle of a mental breakdown.
    He was angry with Finn for being heroic enough to sacrifice his life for his mother's. Whether or not that was Finn’s intention didn’t matter. That's how it felt.
    He was angry with Finn for causing everyone's lives to completely crumble.
    He was angry with Finn for leaving Matt with an unspeakable mess that he was incapable of cleaning up. And for leaving him alone with a crazy family that didn’t have the ability to love him.
    “He has a right to his life, Matt.”
    The irony of Julie's words hit him hard. “Believe me, I know he does.”
    “Do you two usually get along?”
    This was a difficult question to answer. “We used to. And then…we didn't.” Yes, he and Finn were best friends, but even best friendships carry their own set of troubles. Finn's all-around skill and success combined with his modesty made their relationship inherently uneven. Matt knew that he would never be as perfect as Finn, and the way that Finn stepped in to care for