Free Playing Well With Others by Lee Harrington, Mollena Williams Page B

help you become and remain someone with whom people will welcome interaction and discussion.
    Some protocols begin even before communication has started. Some people who are involved in TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationships might have protocols that are tough to understand at first glance; a TPE slave might be enjoined from speaking without the owner’s permission. And if you encounter someone who plays in animal mode, it might not be appropriate to strike up a conversation about the cheese platter with the snorting, stamping human pony next to you. Take as many cues as you can from other folks; respectful questions can also help clear things up. And if you are one of the people with stringent protocols that might not be self-evident, please treat the curious with compassion rather than defensiveness. Scornful and dismissive responses to someone who is simply curious or unaware of your dynamic only places you in a poor light. Help educate, and look on it as an opportunity to help a fellow traveler on the kinky highway.
    There are people who are referred to as “master,” “mistress” or “slave” so-and-so, and I have friends who will refer to people by whatever title they carry. This is not a protocol that works for me. I will only refer to someone as “master” if I am owned by them, or if I personally have firsthand knowledge of their mastery. I make it clear to them that my choice to call them so does not indicate my slavery to them, but my respect for that title. Same applies to calling all slaves as “slave such-and-such.” I don’t laugh in the face of someone introduced to me as Sir Lord-N-Grand Master Dragonpoop. I will, however, say “My personal protocol reserves titles for my owner. Is there an alternative way I may address you?” and proceed from there.
     
    There is some crossover between our sex-positive sub-cultures, such as between the swinger and BDSM communities, but the difference in cultures can create misunderstandings. Some individuals with a background in the swinger community may have a “Yes until No” culture — that is, people will proceed as the interaction unfolds until someone has reached a boundary, at which point they will so advise their partner (or partners). Others will work within a model that requires a constant stream of consent in all directions, letting you know exactly what they desire in any given moment.
    The BDSM communities often use a slightly different approach: generally the involved parties have agreed up front on where they wish to go in an activity and what they’d like to do; that boundary is in place for the duration of the scene — a “No until Yes” culture.
    People fall all across the gender spectrum in our community. The binary of “male” and “female” shuts out a wide swath of folks (as explored in Appendix 4F ). Consider asking people how they wish to be addressed. Avoiding assumptions will take you further than letting clothes, shoes and external appearance rule the day. Gender pronouns can be tricky in some parts of the kink community. The female-to-male transgendered individual to whom you have spent the past two years addressing as “he” suddenly shows up in a sparkly dress, five-inch heels and a full beard. What do you do? Asking them what pronoun they would prefer tonight gets my vote.
     
    Of course, there is fluidity in these generalizations, and each approach can be successfully utilized depending on the needs of the people involved. This is another case where being mindful of the background of others can be helpful in mitigating miscommunications.
    Though we’ve been encouraging you to ask questions, take care when considering when to ask those questions. If people are huddled and engaged in a private conversation, barging in, or hovering at the edge of the conversation, might be unwelcome. And please, do not ask questions of people when they are in the middle of a scene. Even when you think the scene is over . . .