Free Playing Well With Others by Lee Harrington, Mollena Williams

can feel like a “reset” button has been pushed. Everything’s brand new and scary; you’re back in junior high on the first day of school. And while it may be new, you are still coming to this experience as an adult, and you can (and should) bring your adult self and experiences along with you on your journey.
    If someone oversteps a boundary of yours, express this, advise them, and make sure they’re aware of the conflict. If nothing is said, nothing can be addressed. It can be difficult to take responsibility for expressing an issue or conflict, but in the long run no one is served by your unwillingness to speak up. Air your grievances with compassion and respect for yourself, for your boundaries, and for the humanity (and fallibility) of others. This approach can go a long way towards mitigating difficulties and resolving conflict.
    Check Your Assumptions
     
    As humans, we make assumptions. Some are helpful: assuming that stepping off a tall building will result in death is an excellent way to avoid deceleration trauma. Some are safe enough: we assume what temperature it is outside based on what it looks like from inside. Some are trickier: we assume someone’s taste in music, their economic status, their age or their gender identity, based on the clothes they wear. And some are troubling: we assume the person walking behind us is a threat based on their skin color.
    Assumptions get us into trouble, all the time. People, being people, carry this assumptive tendency with them as they become part of our communities. The following are some common assumptions that folks may have when learning about kink, and we’d like to take a look and maybe debunk a few of them along the way.
    “Everyone is just like me!”
     
    INDEED, NOT.
    There is a vast spectrum of genders, orientations, economic classes, politics, body types, abilities, mental/emotional capacity, religions, beliefs, ages, ethnic backgrounds, relationship structures, behaviors, philosophies, careers, interests, hobbies, erotic desires, internal identities, external identities and levels of experience in the community. You really cannot assume anything about anyone based solely on their physical appearance or presentation.
    “Age equals experience”
     
    NOPE.
    There are folks who are under twenty who are experts at their craft, and people in their eighties who are just trying out kink for the first time. The number of years that someone has been involved in in the community is also a flawed indicator of experience. Someone who has been in the scene for one year but been going to parties and classes four times a week can possess more cumulative experience than someone who has been in the scene for ten years but who only plays once a year.
    “Big toybags and hot outfits equal experience”
     
    NAY, WE SAY.
    A toybag (the container full of tools and toys to use in a kink encounter/ scene) has no bearing on experience. That top may have bought those six gorgeous whips and floggers last week. That slave in full Gorean chains and regalia may have just opened a UPS package and declared themselves fully trained. And the low-key player with neither elaborate toys nor extensive fetish wardrobe may be a well-respected pillar of the community. Get to know people, ask around, observe, and keep an open mind.
    “If their label complements mine, they will want to play.”
     
    SORRY!
    There are a few challenges with this assumption. If, for example, you see a dominant as a “doing and controlling” partner and a submissive as a “receiving and controlled” partner, then the first assumption might be that any top would want to play with any bottom. This is nowhere near a safe assumption. That particular dominant might not have a particular chemistry with a particular individual. They may have a partner at home, and are simply looking for friendship, or they simply may not desire to play or “scene” tonight because they had a hard day at work.
    The second