Free Lullaby by Claire Seeber Page B

polished as ever, despite the air still thick as sludge; despite the fact I looked like I’d been dragged through forty hedges backwards. I shied away from the thought that Leigh was almost enjoying this. As a kid she’d had dreams of stardom;she even went to stage school for a bit until my dad had finally gone, along with all our income too. I used to clap faithfully along to everything Leigh sang into her old pink hairbrush—but actually she was pretty rubbish, tone-deaf with two flat feet, my Nana always said, slipping me a fiver because she felt sorry for me. Because I never got the attention from my mum that Leigh and my little brother did.
    But this time the attention was all on me, however hard Leigh might try, and really I didn’t want it, all I wanted was my Louis back, and I tried not to whisper when I said what we’d agreed I’d say. Silver did his bit first, about the first twenty-four hours being crucial, and I tried not to think what happened after them. I pulled myself together and breathed deeply to stop the shake that travelled through my voice. I looked straight at the cameras, the flashes turning my eyes kaleidoscopic, sending diamonds of light spinning through the air. I was going to read something Silver’s team had prepared for me, but in the end I simply begged. I said, ‘Whoever’s got my baby, please, give him back. I just want him back. Please don’t hurt him,’ and the idea that someone actually could made me feel like my brain might explode; it was filling up with cotton wool and everyone in the room suddenly felt so far away even though they were all staring right at me, and I was a tiny speck of nothing floundering in a sea of agony.
    Then DI Silver put his arm around me and I smelt his lemony male smell that seemed too close, and he led me off the stage to a little room where someonebrought me more sweet tea and I scrabbled in my pocket and clutched Sister Kwame’s bottle of pills with relief.
    I was forcing down a sandwich that, however hard I chewed, turned to sawdust in my mouth, when Deb entered the room. There was an urgency about her that I didn’t like, which made that horrid sandwich stick right in my throat as I watched her gesture discreetly at DI Silver. His eyes slid over me before he crossed the room to her. Then another man with a funny little potbelly and thin slicked-back hair came in looking tense and worried and leant in towards his boss. Deb detached herself, came bustling over, wearing a false smile.
    ‘Good to see you eating at last, Jessica,’ she said, but by now I had stopped and was staring at the men behind her. She knew where my eyes were trained but she kept on anyway.
    ‘Another cup of tea, love?’ she asked, but I shook my head. I was drowning in the stuff.
    ‘What is it?’ I said, and I looked her in the eye. She nearly flushed but her training was better than that and she kept very calm and still, and just sat beside me. Leigh was still on her mobile as DI Silver came towards me and, for the first time since I’d met him, I could swear he looked rattled. Leigh kept laughing, a throaty kind of laugh that meant it must be Gary she was talking to, and I wanted to slap her but instead I stood up and went towards Silver.
    ‘What is it?’ I said, and I clutched his arm inadvertently. I nearly choked on the words. I didn’twant to ever hear the answer, but I asked it anyway.
    ‘Don’t panic, Jess,’ he said. He’d never called me Jess before. ‘Don’t panic but I’ve got some news, and I’m not sure it’s very good. Let’s just sit down again.’
    I held my ground. ‘Just tell me. I’m not a kid you know,’ but my hand was going sweaty where I grasped the fine cloth of his suit.
    ‘Apparently someone’s—a pushchair has been found. A pushchair and a bag,’ he added, almost reluctantly. ‘Can you describe yours to me please?’
    ‘Louis’s pushchair? Describe it again?’
    ‘Yes please, Jessica. If you don’t mind.’
    ‘It’s