Free Before I Break by Portia Moore

from one foot to the other. She’s just as nervous as I am.
    “I don’t really know what to say to you, or where to start,” I admit, as her eyes meet mine. I look at the woman who some part of me loved enough to marry. She’s biting her bottom lip, showcasing the small dimple in her right cheek. Her glare is intense in the few seconds it’s on me, like she’s trying to see through me, and I look away.
    D oes she believe all of this? When she looks into my eyes I know she’s searching for him. I know because I was doing the same thing standing in the mirror this morning.
    “Uh m,”she says, her voice trembling. I still haven’t learned to have a plan or something to say. All I’ve done in the first few minutes of being here is make her cry. I’ve never made so many women cry before.
    “I don’t know what to say to you either, to be honest,” she says, her voice unsteady as she wipes away a tear from her cheek.
    “Your parents told you everything?” she asks hesitantly. She must really think I’m an idiot for all this time to have passed and I never figured anything out, but I guess it’s better for her to think I’m an idiot than a lying jerk.
    “They told me that they’d been lying to me all of this time. That when I didn’t remember things, another person—that they felt they should keep from me—was living my life for me. Everyone I know and trust has been lying to me. My parents, my so-called doctor … I should have known something was wrong.” It’s not until the words are out of my mouth that I realize how biter I sound, but it feels good to get it out.
    “The people I trusted most lied to me,” I say quietly to myself, hearing it out loud is almost cathartic. She’s quiet but I notice her eyes surveying me again. I wonder what it’s like to look at someone you know and they not recognize you at all.
    “You can’t blame yourself… It’s human nature to want to believe things are always good. When I talked to your parents, they thought they were doing what was best for you. Your interest was the only one they were looking out for.”
    I look down at her. She’ s wringing her hands together, and I can only imagine how hard this is for her. Still, after everything she’s gone through, she says something like that.
    “I didn’t expect for you to defend them. Especially after… they lied to you too.”
    “I’m not defending them. What they did was wrong. It hurt a lot people. But I don’t think they did it to be malicious or cruel. They thought they were protecting you. As a parent you’d do anything to protect your child from what you believe could hurt them. If I was in their situation, and I believed that I could keep you safe by lying to you, I would have.”
    I remember the main reason I’ m here and reach into my pocket to pull out the picture of our daughter. Wow, that’s going to take some getting used to. I walk towards her, and her eyes widen. I hear her breathing and notice her hand is squeezing her wrist like some type of de-stress technique. I need to get one of those ASAP.
    S he takes a step back from me, and I realize it’s probably best if I just show her the picture. After all, I’m some strange guy she doesn’t know in her hotel room...sort of.
    “My mom said…” I try to think of what would be the least awkward way to say this. I’m her father, she’s my daughter, our kid?
    “C aylen,” she interject softly and touches the face on the picture.
    “You named her after him… after Cal?” I’m hesitant to say his name to her like it’ll set off some type of alarm and send her into some kind of frenzy like she was in the other day. Her vibe now is totally different. Calm considering the circumstance, she’s not in no holds barred screaming mode. She nods as I take a seat on the sofa.
    “How old is she?” I ask, with a sigh that I didn’t intend.
    “She just had her first birthday three days ago,” she says, sitting on the edge of the sofa. I