Free Before I Break by Portia Moore Page B

with this. I sound like a little brat but talking is the only thing that makes me not want to explode.  I’m just trying to express my frustration but instead, I come off sounding like a selfish jerk. “I’m trying. I really am… I thought if I could make the first step in talking to you that I could do it, but…” She must think I’m a lunatic.  But, when my eyes find hers, her expression is soft and compassionate. It’s as if she feels sorry for me. All that she’s been through, and she’s sorry for me?
    “I know this is hard for you. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through right now,” she says, her tone soft and comforting, and for a minute, I want to hug her. As if hugging her will make everything okay. But I can’t, so I don’t. That would be selfish and would send her the wrong message because when she looks at me...
    “I don’t know anything about you!” After the words leave my mouth, I realize how harsh they sound but whatever I can’t stop myself from saying exactly what comes to my mind. Her eyes are on mine, and instead of looking away from them, I look into them. It’s not hard to do; they’re magnetic and alluring. But more than that, they’re like open windows, I can see straight through to her soul. Even though she has a small smile on her face, I can see her pain, her hurt, and her hope.  That’s the scariest of all because her hope is my demise. She doesn’t know me or love me, so her hope isn’t with me—it’s with Cal.
    “But when you look at me, it’s as if you know everything about me,” I say. She lets out a light breath. The nervous energy in me seems to be gone. I look away from her and at my hands. Hands that have done things... I have enough trouble with one life. How am I supposed to deal with one I don’t know anything about? One that…that isn’t really mine?
    “When your parents told me about you…” H er voice is quiet, barely above a whisper. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced—the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to listen to.”  Her hazel eyes glaze over, water covering them.
    “I was hurt and confused. I didn’t even believe them… I didn’t want to believe them. I’m still hurt. I’m still confused. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say to…” she trails off, her voice breaking. She looks down at her feet and continues, “To you .” She pauses, and I feel like my heart is on the verge of stopping.
    “I can’t compromise with someone I don’t know either.” She shrugs and smiles even though tears are falling from her eyes. Then she looks up at me, and the smile leaves her face.
    “When you look at me… it’s as if I’m a burden…a problem, and you have no idea how much that hurts, “she says, her voice shaky, and I feel like the biggest ass in the world. I’ve never wanted more in my life to be able to say something to make all of this better but I know whatever I say will probably make things worse.
    “I don’t blame you for it,” she adds quickly. She should.
    “I can’t…b ut you have to understand that you have Cal’s…” she drifts off and chuckles through her tears. “You… You have his smile, his voice, his eyes…when I look at you… I can’t help but see him. And it hurts knowing that you weren’t the one who stole my heart when you first smiled at me, who took me bungee jumping on our first date. That you weren’t the one who told me I’m the only woman you have ever loved. But you’re…you’re not him, and you’re in love with someone else.” It’s the first time I’ve heard someone speak about this guy without using jerk, asshole, or problem in the same sentence. For the first time it hits me that she really experienced things with him; they had a life together...
    “So, I’m sort of having a hard time with this,” she continues, chuckling as she wipes away the tears on her cheek.
    “Even knowing all of it, I don’t , how I’m supposed to