Free The Butcher Boy by Patrick McCabe Page B

I did they would be in very serious trouble. Do you understand Philip? Yes he said. And you too Mrs Nugent. Its your responsibility as a sow to see that Philip behaves as a good pig should. I'm leaving it up to you. She nodded. Then we went over it one more time I got them to say it after me. I am a pig said Philip. I am a sow said Mrs Nooge. Just to recap then I said. What do pigs do? They eat pig nuts said Philip. Yes that's very good I said but what else do they do? They run around the farmyard Philip said. Yes indeed they do but what else? I tossed the lipstick up and down in my hand. Any takers at the back? Yes Mrs Nugent? They give us rashers! Yes that's very true but its not the answer I'm looking for. I waited for a long time but I could see the answer wasn't going to come. No, I said, the answer I'm looking for is -- they do poo! Yes, pigs are forever doing poo all over the farmyard, they have the poor farmer's heart broken. They'll tell you that pigs are the cleanest animals going. Don't believe a word of it. Ask any farmer! Yes, pigs are poo animals I'm afraid and they simply will cover the place in it no matter what you do. So then, who's going to be the best pig in the pig school and show us what we're talking about then, hmm? Come on now, any takers? Oh now surely you can do better than that! That's very disappointing, nobody at all! Well I'm afraid I'll just have to volunteer someone. Right come on up here Philip and show the class. That's the boy. Good lad Philip. Watch carefully now everyone. Philip got red as a beetroot and twisted up his face as he went to work. Now, class! What would you call someone that does that? Not a boy at all -- a pig! Say it everyone! Come on! Pig! Pig! Pig!
    That's very good. Come on now Philip you can try even harder!
    What do you think Mrs Nugent? Isn't Philip a credit?
    At first Mrs Nugent was shy about what he was doing but when she saw the great effort he was making she said she was proud of him. And so you should be I said. Harder Philip harder!
    He went at it then for all he was worth and then there it sat proud as punch on the carpet of the bedroom, the best poo ever.
    It really was a big one, shaped like a submarine, tapered at the end so your hole won't close with a bang, studded with currants with a little question mark of steam curling upwards.
     
    Well done, Philip, I cried, you did it! I clapped him on the back and we all stood round admiring it. It was like a rocket that had just made it back from space and we were waiting for a little brown astronaut to open a door in the side and step out waving. Philip, I said, congratulations! I was beaming with pride at Philip's performance. I wouldn't have believed he had it in him. Philip was proud as punch too. I turned to the class. Boys, I said, who's the best pig in the whole pig school? Can you tell me? Philip they all cried without a moment's hesitation. Hip hip hooray. Clap clap the class lifted the roof. Very good easy now steady I said. Now its time for Mrs Nugent to show us how well she can perform. Can she do poo as well as her son Philip? We'll soon find out! Are you ready Mrs Nugent? I was waiting for her to say yes Francis indeed I am then away she'd go hoisting up her nightdress and scrunching up her red face trying to beat Philip but I'm afraid that wasn't what happened at all.
     
    Mrs Nugent was there all right but she wasn't in her nightdress. She was wearing her day clothes and carrying a bag of stuff she had brought back from Buttsy's.
    Her mouth was hanging open and she was crying again pointing to the broken mirror and the writing on the blackboard I mean wall. I looked at Philip he was white as a ghost too what was wrong with him now, hadn't he got the prize for the pig poo what more did he want? But Mr Nugent said he was in charge now. I'll deal with this!, he said in his Maltan Ready Rubbed voice. Philip and Mrs Nugent went downstairs and then there was only me and him. He looked good Mr Nugent you