Free I am America (and so can you!) by Stephen Colbert, Rich Dahm, Paul Dinello, Allison Silverman

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    But here’s the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they’re completely deluding themselves. There’s simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn’t hate them so much, I’d feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that there’s no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. It’s just so arbitrary! Can’t they see?
    What’s worse is that atheists blindly follow whatever their scientists tell them to, no matter how unbelievably fantastical it sounds to rational ears. Yeah, earthquakes are caused by the shifting of giant unseen plates buried deep beneath the ground. There’s no way it could be God jiggling the globe because 18 The Colbert Empowerment System is different. It’s not a cult, it’s a Mind Management System™ that 61
    removes “the unwanted cash that’s holding you back.”

    I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )
    people in California commit sodomy. No, that would be too simple!
    Atheists enrage me precisely because they impute everything that happens to the semi-random workings of the natural world. They refuse to take responsibility for their actions! If their dog dies, it’s because the decay of its cells caused by the aging process was “meant to be.” They’ll never stand up and say,
    “I deserved this as punishment for mixing my meats and cheeses.” Makes me angry just thinking about it.
    Agnostics
    Atheists without balls.
    ATHEISTS AND THE BIG SECULAR AGENDA
    People of faith like you and me are under attack. Especially people like me. Atheists are the driving force behind what I call Big Secularism. Card-carrying members of BS have snaked their way into every branch of our federal government, except for the judicial and executive. Did you know that in the House of Representatives and the Senate, there are as many as one selfdescribed atheist currently serving? Democratic Representative Pete Stark of California’s 13th district, to name just one. Just think of it—how are any profaith initiatives going to make it into law when Congress is held hostage by the anti-God caucus of Stark, his self and him?
    BS is a gathering storm—a growing movement of lefty Lord-loathers intent on driving religion out of the public square, no matter how much time I spend hanging tinsel.
    THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS
    I’m not afraid to say it: I love Christmas.15 Call me crazy, but I like getting together with the family, having a nice meal and opening presents. I even like eating candy out of a sock. I wish there were more days designated to do that. How about
    Sorry if that offends some of you, but I promised I was going to tell it like it is. Thanksgiving dinner
    out of a sock?
    And I’m what you call a Christmas Guy.
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    15 However, I can’t say I love Easter. Pastel colors wash me out.
R E L I G I O N
    That’s why it upset me so much when the town hall in the coastal Connecticut hamlet where I vacation was forced to take down its nativity scene. And this is despite the fact that it also displayed a sign telling people they could see a menorah two towns over. But balance isn’t what the wall-of-separationbetween-church-and-state-huggers are after. They just want to marginalize people of faith of all kinds and push us into the corners of American Life. So, down the display came. It’s easy to imagine this sort of thing is happening everywhere. Where will it end?
    A Visit from St. Secular
    ’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
    Mamma in her kerchief, and I in the nude,
    Were shocked that our holiday had been misconstrued,
    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
    I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
    (Mind you, I’m still nude.)
    Out to the lawn in my glory, I flew.
    To see my manger disassembled by the ACLU.
    –Written by Clement C. Moore, 1822
    –Updated by Stephen Colbert,