Free I am America (and so can you!) by Stephen Colbert, Rich Dahm, Paul Dinello, Allison Silverman Page A

2007
    Still nude
    Imagine a time in the not-too-distant future—December 24th, but instead of festive lights and glowing Santas, the streets are illuminated by police helicopters. Meanwhile, in the streets, roving gangs of children terrorize the city. They have zero respect for authority because whether a child is naughty or nice, everyone gets the same thing for Christmas: Jack Squat. So they’ve gone wild. It’s like Devil’s Night in Detroit, only there’s still stuff worth burning. As the fires rage, bands of depressed alcoholic derelicts, once jolly carolers, shuffle aimlessly, no longer sharing their cheerful seasonal hymns, but instead searching for a death that will never come. God rest ye, merry Gentlemen. And of course, now that there’s no Christmas, insects have grown to enormous 63
    I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )
    size. So everyone has to dodge the ants and beetles that are crushing buses in their powerful mandibles.
    The correct answer:
    Does my vision of a world without Christmas sound far-fetched? This is exactly no
    the future the Secul-azis want for your children and grandchildren. Big Secularism’s plan is to keep eroding our holiday. Little by little, they’re taking away a manger here, a “Come All Ye Faithful” there, until pretty soon there’s nothing left. That’s why we’ve got to dig in our heels and celebrate the holiday bigger than ever. If you usually get one tree, this year get two. If you usually do two, have five. The BSists need to understand that there is no Jesus hasn’t
    number of trees we are unwilling to cut down to prove our point. forgiven you for that
    Cross, trees.
    EVOLUTION IS REAL!
    You heard me! Y’see, there’s nothing I like more than using the Big Secularism against itself.
    You say Man evolved? Well, Man was made in God’s image, so God must have evolved too. I adapted your precious “Ascent of Man” chart to a higher purpose:
    How does it feel now, Secularists? You can’t possibly argue with this—
    because it’s your theory. Based on this chart, Jesus clearly adapted over time to take on attributes that would help Him send you to Hell. In your monkeyevolved faces!
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STEPHEN SPEAKS FOR ME
    A C H A N C E F O R AV E R AG E A M E R I C A N S TO AG R E E W I T H W H AT I T H I N K
    I think it’s wonderful that Stephen has written such a
    considerate chapter on Me. Hopefully these pages will decrease
    the number of skeptics out there, though I understand why
    some people are atheists and agnostics. It’s not going to spare them the Eternal torment of Hell, but I understand. Hey, my
    fault for giving you all Free Will.
    I could convince everybody that I exist by stepping up the
    Divine Interventions, but there are only so many hours in the
    God
    day, you know?
    Maker of All that Is
    This gets to the main question that everyone usually asks Me:
    Seen and Unseen
    If I’m so all-powerful, why don’t I answer everyone’s prayers?
    The answer: I used to.
    Back in the day, fewer people prayed for me to do things for them. There was a lot more thanksgiving, and it’s less time-consuming to answer prayers that are praising you for things. Those were the good old days. Now it’s gimme, gimme, gimme. It especially shows up in sports. Used to be, you never had both sides pray for victory. One team max, and 9 times out of 10 that team was Notre Dame. Now, you’re guaranteed to have counteracting prayers. What am I supposed to do? For Me, it’s literally a no-win situation. I usually have no choice but to answer the prayer of whichever team is better.
    Of course, I can’t get caught playing favorites. So if I do help a team, it’s not going to be with something cool and dramatic like a line drive that suddenly lifts up and carries over the fence. Instead, I usually just go back in time and make the winning team have practiced more.
    I mean, if there’s one team that is clearly more righteous, yes, I’ll help that team, although sometimes