Free Brain Droppings by George Carlin Page B

but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
Whenever I see a large crowd, I always wonder what was the most disgusting thing any one of them ever did.
    I think they ought to let guys like Jeffrey Dahmer off with a warning. They do
    + with speeding tickets. Sometimes all a guy needs is a good talking to. Why
don’t they say, “Listen, Jeff. Knock it off! Nobody thinks you’re funny. Eat
one more guy and we’re comin’after ya.”
b
ey kids! It’s mostly bullshit and garbage, and none of the stuff they tell you is true. And when your dumb-ass father says he wants you to amount to something, he means make a lot of money. How do you think the word amount got in there?
Those nicotine patches seem to work pretty well, but I understand it’s kind of hard to keep’em lit.
?
n El Salvador, they declared a cease fire after ten years. Why didn’t they think of that at the beginning? Anyway, the best thing about El Salvador is that they killed a lot of religious people. How often do you get 10 percent of the body count in clergy?
At one point in my haste to improve myself, I mixed up the telephone numbers of the Shick Center for the Control of Smoking and the Evelyn Woods Speed Reading School. As a result, I can now smoke up to 300 cigarettes a minute, but I gave up reading.
freschool teacher”: If it’s not a school, why do they need a teacher? Don’t they need a “preteacher”?
Most people ore not particularly good at anything.
    EORCE CARLIN
    brain droppings
    1
    ow can someone be “armed with a handgun”? Shouldn’t he be armed with an “armgun”? Can a handgun really be a sidearm? And shouldn’t a hand grenade be an arm grenade? You don’t throw it with your hand, you throw it with your arm.
Try Explaining Hitler to a kid.
    I rnoossible to know accurately how you look in your sunglasses.
As he ayes, Mickey Rooney gets euen shorter.
e
levators and escalators do more than elevate and escalate. They also lower. The names tell only half the story.
do one euer refers to “half o month1.’
    FUCK Alison
fhy; do we turn lights “out” when we turn most other things “off”?
    Don’t you get discouraged each morning when you wake up and realize you have to wash again?
Kou show me the people who control the money, the land, and the weapons, and I’ll show you the people in charge.
    Iforking-class people “look for work.” Middle-class people “try to get a ob.” Upper-middle-class people “seek employment.”
.an you have just one antic? How about a lone shenanigan? A mon-ceyshine?
mere are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one knows how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza.
Ihose who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the
music.??,???’
    THERE Will BE HO HORE PAPER TOWELS AFTER JULY
    ‘m not going to apologize for this, but I have my own personal psychic. He doesn’t predict the future, and he can’t tell you much about your past. But he does a really fantastic job of describing the present. For instance, he can tell you exactly what you’re wearing, but he can’t do it over the phone.
We’re all amateurs; it’s just that some of us are more professional about it than others.
When the going gets tough, the tough get fucked.
I was expelled from cooking school, and it left a bad taste in my
mouth.‘,
    GEORGE CARLIN
    brain dropping
    ast year, in Los Angeles, a robber threatened a store owner with syringe that he claimed had HIV on it, saying “Give me the money or I’ll give you AIDS.” You know what I would’ve told him? “If you give me AIDS I’m gonna find your wife and daughter and fuck them.”
I think me should attack Russia now. They’d neuer expect it.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
What is the plural of “a hell of a guyTllls of guys”?
Ihe phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform