Free Brain Droppings by George Carlin

dust.
DO. TAKE. HAVE. 61VE
    People used to take drugs, now they do drugs. Some people don’t do drugs, they do lunch. Instead of taking drugs, they take meetings. They used to have meetings. Now, instead of having meetings, they
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    relationships. Some people who don’t do drugs but have a relationship will take a meeting while they do lunch.
    People used to get sex, now they have sex. So far, they don’t do sex. Although they do say, “Let’s do it.” But if the sex is overly aggressive, we say the person was “taken.” I guess if one’s not giving, the other’s gonna take.
    We take a lot of things. We take a lot of good things. We take time, we take heart, we take solace, medicine, advice; we take a job, take a break, take a vacation, a leave, a nap, a rest, a seat, we take a meal.
    We take, take, take until we can’t take anymore. Maybe it’s because our inner nature is not primarily one of giving, but of taking. Even these things we take that should balance our lives and give us rest do not. We make work out of them. We do them aggressively; always in control. Take.
    But when we give, we give a lot of bad things. We give trouble, heartache, sorrow, we give someone a hard time, a migraine, give ‘em a heart attack, and give ‘em a big pain in the ass.
So I say, “Give up, get fucked, take a hike, and have fun.”
YOU’RE A HATURAl
    This is for health food fiends, the natural-fabrics gang, and all those green-head environmental hustlers who stomp around in the “natural”: Your key word is meaningless. Everything is natural. Everything in the universe is a part of nature. Polyester, pesticides, oil slicks, and whoopee cushions. Nature is not just trees and flowers. It’s eveiything. Human beings are part of nature. And if a human being invents something, that’s part of nature, too. Like the whoopee cushion. -> r
    C A R L I N
GEORGE
    Also: The experience called “natural childbirth” is not natural at all. It is freaky and bizarre. It is distinctly unnatural for a person to invite and welcome pain. Whose influence am I sensing here? Men’s? It’s nothing more than childbirth machisma. The woman wants it said of her that she can “take it like a man.”
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    Or imagine the very first guy who threw up. What did he think? What did he say to his friends? “Hey, Vinny, c’mere! Remember that yak we ate? Look!”
unrccESSAKr WORDS
    Sometimes on television they tell you a product is “good for headaches.” I don’t want something that’s good for headaches. I want something that’s bad for headaches. And good for me.
THROW TOUR BACK OUT
    Several months ago, a friend told me that when he was cleaning his garage he threw his back out. I told him it was probably overenthusi-asm. Sometimes when you’re cleaning, you get carried away and throw out something you intended to keep. The next time I ran into him he seemed to have learned his lesson. He had recently cleaned out his attic, but this time he didn’t throw his back out. He gave it to Goodwill.
riRST THinOS FIRST
Many things we take for granted must have sounded unusual the first time they were proposed. For instance, imagine trying to explain to someone, for the first time, that you thought giving him an enema would be a real good idea. You’d have to proceed very subtly. “Hey, Joey! I got a new idea. Turn around.” “New id-? Hey, what’s that thing in your hand?” “Nothing. Oh! I dropped my keys. Would you mind pickin’ ‘emup?”
    There is a tendency these days to
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risk factor crisis situation leadership role learning process rain event confidence level healing process standoff situation shooting incident planning process
complicate speech by adding unnecessary words. The following phrases all contain at least one word too many.
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