Free Tight Knit by Allie Brennan Page A

when I talked to her this morning she wasn’t too enthusiastic about my planned visit. 
    “You know you’re always welcome here, darling.” The strain was evident. “But I’ll just be resting so I won’t be much fun today.” 
    I could have said yes. 
    No. No, I can’t go on a date with him. If it was even a date. Maybe it wasn’t a date. I feel stupid for thinking it was. He was probably just asking as a friend.
    I duck into the first bathroom I see and go straight to the sink. I squeeze my eyes closed and force my breathing to slow. I hate this. I hate that panic controls me. 
    Someone clears their throat behind me. I look up into the mirror and see the color drain from my face. 
    “Janna, hey.” I force my voice to stay even. Janna tucks a long red strand behind her ear. I can’t bring myself to face her, so I just watch her reflection in the mirror. 
    “Hey, Tal. How are you?” Her eyes shift from the floor to me and back to the floor. 
    I really don’t have time for this.
    “Fine.” I turn to leave. Is there nowhere sacred in this stupid school where I can be alone?
    Jenna grabs my arm and forces me to face her.
    “Tal, listen, I know you hate me. I just wanted to say I’m sorry. To your face, you know?” 
    I feel my thoughts start to blend together as both panic and anger swirl inside me. The jumbled mess that is my mind spins until I land on Nan and something she had said to me when I was ten.
    “If you were really sorry, Janna, you wouldn’t have done it.” I yank my arm away. 
    She looks at her feet again. She sniffs hard and rubs the heel of her hand on her eye. She’s trying not to cry. Janna never cries.  
    “This is for the best. It sucks that you hate me but you have no idea-” She stops to regain her composure again. 
     My body is vibrating and I want to shake my wrists. Crack my knuckles. Run a marathon. Anything to get the surge of energy out of me.
    “Have no idea about what? About how my best friend went behind my back and hooked up with my boyfriend? How’s that for the best.”
    She leans back against the stall and meets my eyes directly for the first time. There’s something in her eyes I’ve never seen before. A look I can’t place because it feels so foreign on her smooth and confident features. There’s something going on in her head I can’t figure out.
    “No Tal, you have no idea who Deacon is. You never came out of your shell long enough to see it, but I guess I didn’t see it either.” She averts her eyes again. 
    “See what?” I’m not sure I want to know. The long and painful sigh that escapes her confirms that I probably don’t want to hear the answer. I cross my arms to try and stop the vibration pulsing through my body.
    “That I wasn’t the only one. That you were just an experiment for him. You’re so closed off and he thought it would be interesting to see how far he could get with you. I swear I didn’t know at first.” 
    “At first?” I shake harder. Never mind that I was some sexual experiment. Janna knew about it? I sink into the darkest corners of my mind. This is worse than a panic attack. This isn’t just a panic induced vision. This is real. 
    So why am I not flipping out? Why do I get a sudden wave of guilt? Why am I feeling sorry for her?   
    Janna steps closer and tries to take my hand. 
    “You don’t understand, Tali. He made me keep it a secret. I hate myself for it, but you have no idea-” She stops again choking back her emotion. Janna’s good at locking it away. I’m glad because I’m tired of hearing the excuses. 
    I step back. “You keep saying that, but I think it’s pretty obvious what you did. You lied to me Janna. Deacon wanted to make a fool out of me and you let him. You let him. ”  I draw out the last words just to make sure it sticks. I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t hear one more word. I spin around and leave Janna standing alone in the middle of the bathroom. The guilt still