Free Needing You by T. Renee Fike

Tucker. He storms into the apartment and just looks at me. “How the hell did you get home Harper?” he all but yells at me.
    “I walked home,” I state.
    “Why didn’t you meet me like we planned? I waited and waited, what the hell?” he says angrily.
    “You were talking to someone and I didn’t want to interrupt so I just walked home. Its fine Tucker,” I say.
    Before I register what the heck is happening Tucker has me enveloped in his arms and is hugging me.  A serious hug, mmm he smells good too!  “Harper you had me fucking worried, next time interrupt. I told you I would walk you home, my plans weren’t changing. Don’t pull that shit again,” he says.
    “I’m sorry; I just didn’t think it was a big deal,” I say sadly.  He squeezes me tighter in the hug
    “I keep telling you it’s not safe to walk by yourself late at night. I’m not kidding, don’t do it again,” he states sounding worried.
    “I promise I won’t, sorry Tuck.” I say giving into him
    Finally Tucker puts some space between us and then says, “Well now that I know you are safe and sound at home I will head out, just don’t pull that bullshit again.”  I roll my eyes and then say goodnight to Tucker and lock the door then head back to bed.
    I sit and think about that hug over and over again and the smell of him. Don’t get me wrong, I have been close to him but never in a hug and not that close. I could feel he has some serious muscles going on under that shirt and damn I would like to have a look.
    I don’t want to dwell, but I am sure that Tucker is probably meeting the redhead after he checked on me. I can’t say I blame him, she was stunning, and he is gorgeous so it only makes sense that two great looking people would hook-up. Tonight though, I just can’t help feeling jealous.
    As much as I would love to try a relationship with someone at some point, I just know it would never work out. I am fucked up beyond repair, so the less anyone knows about me the better.
    Unfortunately for me, tonight is not a good night for sleep.  I wake up about an hour or two later drenched in sweat, shaking like a leaf, and tears streaming down my face. This is why I will never be able to have a relationship. I wipe my face and try to calm myself down before I put myself in a full-blown panic attack. Finally, by breathing slowly, I am able to calm down my racing body and relax a bit.  Unfortunately, no more sleep will come.  Also, this time my nightmare was a bit different.  No matter how many times I see my sister’s dead body and the blood that surrounds her, this time I see my mother holding the knife.  My mom is only in my nightmares when she’s yelling at me, blaming me for shit that happened but not this time, it seemed so real.  Too bad for me, I know my mom didn’t kill my sister. 
    I pull out my sister’s journal and start at the beginning again and read it, all the while with tears falling down my face.  No matter how many times I read her diary, I always cry.  I cry for the joy that is written in her words, for the sorrow, and for the pain she was in. There are times I blame myself because I didn’t know and I should have, but I know deep down there was nothing I would have been able to do, I was just a kid. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though.  God I miss her every freaking day.  It’s like the day she died, part of me died too. Which is just part of the reason why I could never date Tucker or anyone else for that matter, I’m just not whole anymore. 
    This is about the time where I start to pull away because who needs someone who pulls other people down in their misery. I hate that and I make sure to not do the same to others. Just because I can’t deal with shit doesn’t mean I need to cause issues or problems to others as well.
    Starting tomorrow, I need to go back into my quiet little shell and focus on my schooling and not about boys or relationships or anything else along those