Free Days Like This by Danielle Ellison

we
went inside the house and I patted her back. All this affection was different
for us. Words weaved together in my head: Too many things // I can’t think
to say // can’t help but feel // can’t understand // like why and how and if //
and when // all of this will start to mend
     “Is that
Graham?” Mom asked, pushing past me. The sound of the saw echoed through the
house. I took a deep breath, and walked inside.
    Graham had on
this white sleeveless undershirt and it lay across all the new muscles on his
body. I stopped to watch him, because I had to. Even though it hurt. I needed
the pain to remind myself that I let him go. Everything inside me wanted to
touch him again, to apologize about what happened eleven months ago. To explain.
But I didn’t want to ruin what he’d built. This was what I’d wanted for him all
along—a life without my baggage. Now he had it, and he was better off. I’d made
a mistake by hugging him yesterday—I wasn’t thinking—but it wouldn’t happen
again.
     “Hey,” Graham
said over his shoulder. His eyes peered into me and I froze. How could he do
that with only a look? Mom turned on the record player and blared some Elton
John through the house. Graham and I both looked back toward the foyer, and Mom
stood in the doorway with a smile.
    “I’m so glad
you’re here, Cassie,” she said. Then, she disappeared up the stairs leaving me
standing with Graham. I couldn’t believe how unsure I was in front of this
Graham. He was a new Graham, just like I was a new Cassie. He was stronger and surer
of himself. He had a plan and dreams. The Graham I knew never had plans that
didn’t include me, that didn’t have a future with us. Which was why you let him go.
    Graham looked
up at me suddenly, as if he’d felt me looking. We held each other’s gaze across
the room, and I was afraid to breathe in case he broke our gazes. He didn’t
until my phone rang.
     “You haven’t
disappeared,” June said when I answered.
    “Not yet. I’m
still intact. Mostly.”
    I glanced back
at Graham, who was busy at work now, and walked upstairs as June rambled on. It
was better if I wasn’t near him.
    “That’s good.
Three days in and it would be sucky to know you’d already dissolved,” she
exhaled. Probably smoking. “You aren’t missing shit here by the way. I wish I
could skip finals like you.”
    “I still have
to take them,” I said.
    June said hi
to someone she passed on the sidewalk, and I sat on my bed, tracing the outline
of the circles on my comforter.
    “I ran into Rohan
yesterday. The band will be on tour all summer, and I guess a label made an
offer.”
    Rohan’s life improved
when I left too. “It’s been three days.”
    “They really
loved them.”
    “Wow,” I said,
playing with the embroidery on my bedspread. “Good for him.”
    “Has he called
you?” she asked, her voice low.
     “No,” I lied.
I hadn’t answered any of Rohan’s calls either. He’d left a lot of messages; his
last one made it clear that we were over, and that I shouldn’t call.
     “I’m glad
you’re alive. No disappearing, Harlen.”
    “Promise,” I
said. But I wasn’t sure I could keep that. Talking to June reminded me of what
I wasted. Again.
    “I have to go
to biology. I can’t wait for fucking summer.” Then she hung up, and I was left
standing around in my room, the sound of a saw humming between notes of “ Tiny Dancer.”

    “Time for your meds,” I said
to Mom as I put lunch in the oven. Graham was still in the living room working
on the wall. Mom groaned.
    “I hate this
stuff,” she said.
    “You tried to
burn the house down,” I said.
    “I didn’t do
that on purpose! Why does everyone keep saying that?” she yelled, and Graham
stop hammering. I didn’t want us to put on a show for him. Or for him to worry.
This wasn’t his problem.
    “It’s what
happened; whatever your intentions. You have to take your meds, you know that.”
    Mom reached
out and stroked