Free Deenie by Judy Blume

was the only way I could fall asleep and besides, it felt good.
    We're starting a new program in gym. Once a month we're going to have a discussion group with Mrs. Rappoport. It sounds very interesting because Mrs. Rappoport asked us each to write down a question and drop it into a box on her desk. The question could be about anything, she said, especially anything we need to know about sex. She told us not to put our names on the paper. She doesn't want to know who's asking what. It's a good thing too, because I'd never have asked my question if I had to sign my name. I wrote:
    Do normal people touch their bodies before they go to sleep and is it all right to do that?
    On Tuesday, when we walked into the gym, Mrs. Rappoport told us to sit in a circle so we could talk easily. The first questions she discussed were all about menstruation. But I already knew most everything from my booklet. After that she said, "Okay, now I think we can move on to another subject. Here's an interesting question." She read it to us. "Do normal people touch their bodies before they go to sleep and is it all right to do that?"
    I almost died! I glanced around, then smiled a little, because some of the other girls did, and hoped the expression on my face looked like I was trying to figure out who had asked such a thing.
    Mrs. Rappoport said, "Can anyone help us with an answer?"
    Susan Minton raised her hand.
    "Yes, Susan … " Mrs. Rappoport said.
    "I wasn't the one who wrote the question but I've heard that boys who touch themselves too much can go blind or get very bad pimples or their bodies can even grow deformed."
    "Has anyone else heard that?" Mrs. Rappoport asked.
    Five other girls raised their hands.
    Could it possibly be true? I wondered. And if it was true about boys maybe it was about girls too. Maybe that's why my spine started growing crooked! Please God … don't let it be true, I prayed. I felt my face get hot and I had to go to the bathroom in the worst way but I didn't move a muscle. I hoped nobody could tell what I was thinking.
    "Well … " Mrs. Rappoport said, "I can see you've got a lot of misinformation. Does anyone here know the word for stimulating our genitals? Because that's what we're talking about, you know."
    It got very quiet in the gym. Nobody said anything for a long time. Then one girl spoke. "I think it's called masturbation."
    "That's right," Mrs. Rappoport told us. "And it's not a word you should be afraid of. Let's all say it."
    "Masturbation," we said together.
    "Okay," Mrs. Rappoport said. "Now that you've said it let me try to explain. First of all, it's normal and harmless to masturbate."
    "You mean for boys … " Susan Minton said.
    "No, I mean for anyone … male or female," Mrs. Rappoport told us. "The myths that some of you have heard aren't true. Masturbation can't make you insane or deformed or even give you acne."
    I wanted to take a deep breath when she said that but I didn't. 1 just gulped and looked at the floor.
    "Does everybody masturbate?" Barbara Curtis asked.
    "Not necessarily," Mrs. Rappoport said. "But it's very common for girls as well as boys, beginning with adolescence."
    Any minute I thought Mrs. Rappoport would ask us to raise our hands if we masturbate and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to tell the truth. I never knew there was a name for what I do. I just thought it was my own special good feeling. Now I wonder if all my friends do it too?
    But Mrs. Rappoport didn't ask us to tell her if we did or we didn't masturbate and I was glad. It's a very private subject. I wouldn't want to talk about it in front of the class. She said the important thing to remember is that it is normal and that it can't hurt us. "Nobody ever went crazy from masturbating but a lot of young people make themselves sick from worrying about it."
    I couldn't help thinking about Buddy. Can he can get that special feeling too? I'd like to find out how much Buddy really knows about girls. I hardly know anything about