Free The Grand Duchess of Nowhere by Laurie Graham Page A

too,’ he said. ‘Ernie may be an invert but he at least understands that a frail old lady shouldn’t be exposed to such an abomination.’
    Anyone would have thought it was
his
granny. And anyway, I didn’t believe Grandma Queen was frail.
    Aunt Louise was at hand. I consulted her. I knew she wouldn’t have an attack of the vapours.
    I said, ‘I have to divorce Ernie. What should I do?’
    ‘Oh Lord!’ she said. ‘Do you really? But you were quite keen on him. What went wrong?’
    I was getting accustomed to telling people about Ernie and his boys. It used to embarrass me, but one can get used to anything.
    ‘Ah,’ she said, ‘I see. Well, dearest girl, you’re not the first wife this has happened to and you won’t be the last. But you know accommodations can be made, if a wife and husband are compatible in other respects? Lorne and I, for instance, have come to a comfortable arrangement. That’s to say separate arrangements. You understand? As long as one is discreet it can work very well.’
    Exactly what Ernie had said.
    ‘And Ernie has given you that darling child,’ she said. ‘So he has made something of an effort.’
    Ernie never wanted for supporters.
    I said, ‘But I don’t want a discreet arrangement. I want a proper marriage.’
    She sighed.
    ‘Well, divorce isn’t the way to go about things. Heavens, you’ll never be invited anywhere. If you’re divorced you’ll never meet anyone remotely suitable for a “proper” marriage, as you call it. Just have affairs, darling. Honestly, it’s much easier.’
    I said, ‘But I’ve already met someone.’
    ‘You astonish me,’ she said. ‘What kind of man would encourage you in this folly? No, please don’t tell me his name. Does your mother know about any of this? Of course she doesn’t. Ducky, do take care. I’d hate to see you walled up in a convent. Write to me, visit me, but please, please don’t do anything mad.’
    Aunt Louise was right. It was a kind of madness. I so admired herand I had confided in her, and yet I ignored what she advised. When Grandma Queen went back to Windsor the next day I followed her. I left Elli with Ernie.
    He said, ‘I know what you’re up to. Well, I’ll have no part in it. You’re the one who wants a divorce, not me.’
    *
    Grandma Queen was so pleased I’d gone to visit her. Quite gay, actually. Some old ladies diminish towards the end of their lives but Grandma seemed to grow rounder. I suppose she had long since lost sight of her feet. Her gowns never changed though. Perhaps she just had them made wider and wider. Always black, always bombazine.
    ‘But where’s your dear little one?’ she asked. ‘You should have brought her with you. I see you all far too rarely.’
    She pinched my cheeks and told me I looked tired.
    ‘Not your usual energetic self at all,’ she said. ‘Am I right in thinking we can soon look forward to another happy event?’
    She thought I’d gone to Windsor to tell her I was expecting another baby. Of course she did.
    I said, ‘No, Grandma, there won’t be any more babies.’
    ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Oh?’
    ‘There won’t be any more babies because Ernie never shares my bed.’
    I believe I saw her hand start to move towards her bell, but I wasn’t going to be cut off before I’d said my piece.
    I said, ‘And the reason is, he prefers boys. He always did.’
    She was very pale. Her lips had no colour at all. I did wonder for a moment if she were going to die on me, as Ernie had predicted. But Grandma wasn’t dying. She was mastering her feelings. She said nothing for a while. Then she asked me if I was being an affectionate and encouraging wife.
    She said, ‘Ernie has always required strong direction. That’s why I chose you for him.’
    Chosen, to give him strong direction! It wasn’t to be borne.
    I said, ‘So if Ernie doesn’t do what normal husbands do, it’s my fault? That’s hardly fair. And do you know what he tells me to do? He advises me to take