Free Glass Hearts by Lisa de Jong

over?”
    I think about it. I know I shouldn’t go there; I left that life behind years ago. It takes one minute to fall into that life, but years to get out of it. “Yeah, man. I’ll be over in thirty.”
    I hang up the phone and grab my leather jacket. I shouldn’t go out tonight, but I can’t stop myself. I need to stop feeling. I need to stop the hurt that has engulfed my chest. I grab my keys and slam the door behind me.
    I take a cab to Gabe’s apartment. He lives in the shitty part of the city close to my mom’s apartment; in fact, the cab drives past her building as it gets closer to my final destination. The neighborhood is a reminder of my old life, and I feel guilty, but it still isn’t enough to stop me. I feel like time stopped when I read that note this morning, and now I’m stuck in hell. Going back to my old life seems like the only way out. It worked before.
    As we pull up in front of Gabe’s building, I hand the cab driver a twenty-dollar bill and walk through the front door. The building is full of people who don’t give a shit about their lives; they don’t care if they have a job, some have kids they never see and most can’t remember what they did yesterday, let alone last week. I used to be one of them.
    The whole building smells of pot and beer. It’s nothing more than a big party house, and these partiers are hardcore. They never stop. I knock on Gabe’s door with the three-two-one pattern we always used before. I hear one deadbolt, then a second. You can never be too safe in this neighborhood, not when you’re in Gabe’s business.
    As soon as the door opens, smoke greets me and there’s a haze rolling off a pipe in the main living area. I inhale the smell, and for the first time in three years, I welcome it. I want it and I need it. The whole place is disgusting with ripped, yellowed shades, stained old carpet and empty beer bottles everywhere. I still can’t believe I lived here once.
    “Dane, over here.” I look over and see Gabe and Neil sitting around the kitchen table cutting a line of coke on a small mirror. I hesitantly nod in their direction before making my way over to them. “You want to go first?” Gabe asks. I can’t take my eyes away from the mirror. I want it, but I don’t. I worked so hard to get off that shit, but at this moment it calls my name. I always want to run to it whenever things get tough.
    “Nah, I think I’m going to take a hit first. It’s been a while and I need to start with the easy stuff,” I reply, stuffing my hands in my jean pockets. Gabe raises an eyebrow before I turn to head toward the couch. My heart beats faster with every step I take and all of a sudden the room seems too warm as I work to take off my jacket. I shouldn’t have come here, but it’s too late now.
    The pipe makes it’s way around the circle until it’s my turn. My hand is shaking as I grab for it. I bite my lower lip as I get ready to take my first hit in three years. I hesitate for a minute as I close my eyes and see her face, her beautiful blue eyes and soft blonde hair. She’s something I can only see in my dreams now. I can never forget her, but I can never touch her either. The thought of never holding her again makes my throat close up, and the thought of anyone else ever holding her has me seeing red.
    “Hey, dude, are you going to use that, or pass it on?”
    I shake myself from my thoughts. My vision is blurred, and my mind is racing. This is the point of no return and I know that better than anyone.

    That night is burned in my head as another part of my history I would like to erase. That’s not possible, though, and it’s time for me to come clean to Alex.

Jealousy is not something I’m used to feeling. I guess when you’re not wrapped up in someone, you don’t care what happens, but I’m swaddled in Dane. If he had told me he was with someone else when we were broken up, I would’ve freaked out. He’s a dream to most girls, but he’s real