Free Loved In Pieces by Carla J Hanna

exposed. Rex would kiss me but there would, of course, be no physical sexual contact. There would be multiple cameras going at once from different angles so that we’d do as few takes as possible. The primary camera would be to the right of the bed. I needed to remember not to block the shot.
    I read the non-verbal script. My hands are bound to the bed frame, the rapist kisses me, I struggle, he cuts the thigh seam of my underwear with a knife and pulls up my sundress, he moves on top of me, director cut.
    I met Rex and he asked me if there was anything he could do if I felt nervous. No . I was fine .
    And then we started the scene. With over twenty people around me, including Mom , I had my first kiss with a man as old as Dad . His lips were fervently on mine. I felt a rush of heat and desire excited my body. I froze and looked at him in the eyes , shocked. I blushed, completely embarrassed, and then moved my face to the primary camera’s side and to the other side and back to the camera’s side, trying to keep my lips away from his, trying to get away from his face. “Yuck. Gross,” I thought. Then I felt a deep tingling sensation e verywhere as he touched my body. I squirmed , kicked, and screamed , “ G et off of me, get off!” 
    He cut my panties off at my left hip seam, my pelvis throbbed with desire, and then he cut the panties at the right hip seam, and placed the knife next to the primary camera’s side of the pillow while he carefully rolled on me to hide my skin from the cameras. I kicked my knees up trying to get him off of me. I felt his body on top of me and his hands under my dress on my skin moving up too close to my breasts. I was on fire. This time I really tried to get him off but couldn’t even move under the pressure of his body with my hands bound, and I froze again staring at him with absolute hatred in my eyes. Cut.
    Rex immediately got off me and pulled down my dress to cover me up. He stared back at me for a moment and tenderly said, “So sorry .” We waited in position for the director to review the take.
    He knew. I knew. I wasn’t really acting. I really wanted the bastard to get off me. But only we knew those were my real feelings.
    The director and crew were clapping. It was a wrap on the first take. Someone was untying my wrists. I was applauded for my outstanding acting. I could feel the relief from every adult in there worried that they had crossed a line. The emotions I expressed on camera seemed so real, so genuine. It was perfectly executed.
    Mom came over to me ecstatic, “Marie, you’re a natural! You really are outstanding. I’m so proud of you!”
    * * * * *
    Byron wondered why I stopped kissing him. “Marie, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
    “Yeah, I was just thinking about my first kiss with a man , actually. Ya know, not a boy. ” My first kiss with a man was with Rex. My first kiss with a boy was with Manuel . Both kisses were in front of a crowd and were not supposed to be romantic. But both ignited my body.
    I sat up from the bed and noticed that his clothes were off. “How did you get your clothes off ? !  I’m not even close to ready to get naked with you. ”
    He sat up next to me with the sheets covering himself and put his arm around me. “ I don’t understand why you won’t let people love you. It’s not just me. Your best friend is Franz and you shield yourself from him, too. But I see through your shield. I can feel that you’ve never been loved physically. ”
    “Honestly, I don’t even know what to do, how to… I know what to do on set, how to touch you for the takes, because it’s blocked for me . But this is real. And I like kissing but not…” I wanted to explain my sexual hesitation with men but I didn’t trust Byron with my secrets. I didn’t trust anyone with my secrets.
    I continued, “When I partied, I saw l ots of drugs and sex. I’m sure you’ve seen it, too. I had some experiences, too, that I didn’t like. I was also