Free Flying with the Rich and Famous: True Stories from the Flight Attendant who flew with them by Patricia Reid

his old TV shows, as well as Johnny Carson’s, to entertain the ones who were on time.
    Dean boarded the plane before all the other passengers. I thought it was so he could avoid all the ogling eyes and maybe because he was a little tipsy. He was traveling with his manager who asked me to be sure to keep everyone out of the stateroom, especially Milton Berle. I took Dean’s beverage selection: scotch “neat” with a soda bottle back, no ice. Never, had I served a drink faster.
    Milton Berle and his wife were in the two seats directly outside of Dean’s stateroom. They were a hoot, and he was as lively and jovial as you would expect “Uncle Miltie” to be. Milton Berle had acquired two nicknames: “Uncle Miltie,” because he would sign off on his television shows by tellingchildren to “listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed,” and “Mr. Television” because he was instrumental in bringing the medium to life and thus selling actual television sets! He was well known for his comedy and—well, ahem—something else.
    The first issue with Milton was that of the well-known extension of his left hand: his cigar. Yes, he actually lit one up. I asked him to extinguish it, but he lit it again and again and again. Finally the chief purser threatened to ban him off the airline if he lit it one more time. I was really surprised that he wouldn’t just put the darn thing out. Why be such a pain?
    I don’t think Milton knew Dean was behind him until about halfway through the flight. Milton was wandering around the plane chatting with anyone who would listen. I think he peeked behind Dean’s curtain. When I came to the back of the airplane, Milton was in Dean’s stateroom. I attempted to intervene. I shoved the curtain aside and was about to scold him, but before I could say anything, he looked at me and said, “Doyou know that I have the biggest schlong you have ever seen?” I thought to my young and unworldly self,
Is a schlong what I think it is?
I told Milton to scoot, but he wasn’t listening. I had to enlist Felicia to help me get Milton out of Dean’s stateroom. The bizarre problems of flying the rich and famous!
    Felicia and I pushed the curtain aside again—just as Milton dropped his pants! Yep, dropped his pants and his skivvies so everything was hanging out. I was shocked! Felicia, however, remained cool and said, “Seen one, seen ‘em all!” And with that she shoved me out of the stateroom because I was dumbstruck and turning thirteen shades of red. Then, laughing the whole time, she ushered out Milton, who zipped up his pants and waltzed back to his wife. Let me just answer the question that you all are thinking right now: yes, it was huge.
    As that little bit of gossip circulated, everyone began to suspect that Dean Martin was indeed on the airplane. Now Felicia and I really had our work cut out for us, so we flat outlied: “No, Dean Martin is not on the plane, Milton is just goofing around.” It sort of worked, except for the people who decided they had to use the restroom every fifteen minutes so they could loiter around the staterooms. We busted them too, telling them they couldn’t block the aisle or that the seatbelt sign was on or whatever.
    By the end of the flight, after all the other passengers had deplaned, Dean Martin had to be carried out on a stair chair—he was just too drunk to walk. I have read that Dean only drank apple juice on stage with the Rat Pack, that he only began to drink scotch after his son died. But I have also read he drank scotch on stage. Who really knows? It was a sad way to say goodbye, but at least I got to meet him.
    ROGER PENSKE
    I was asked if I could fly an extended Pacific Rim trip for Roger Penske, a major player in the car-racing world. Roger has been involved in every aspect of car racing from NASCAR toFormula One, but at this time, he was famous for the Indy circuit with his Marlboro cars and drivers winning races right and left. In fact, Roger Penske