Free This Heart of Mine by Suzanne Hayes

a dream at all. And it made me want to go back to sleep. It made me want to run and hide.
    As I began dressing for the Reelect Roosevelt Picnic this morning, I recalled something my father said to me once when I started dating Robert all those years ago: “Choices are everywhere, Gloria. And each choice triggers off a set of events, like dominoes. A smart girl tries to see the dominoes from above and decide wisely. Don’t follow your heart by itself. It lies to you. And for that matter, never follow your brain alone either. Both the mind and the heart have to agree.”
    “How do you know when that happens?” I’d asked him.
    “It feels like the sea on a calm day,” he’d answered. “Not a worry in the world. It doesn’t even feel like a choice. That’s how you know.”
    I dressed carefully, thinking about my mother and father. Thinking about what Levi had said about our future together, and about Robert’s vision for our lives.
    For someone who usually rushes through all the things ladies like to do—hair, makeup, straight stockings—I took my time.
    In the end, it was all so simple, really.
    It was a perfect day for a picnic, so the whole community—those for and against our president—came together on the town green with the tall pavilion decked out in red, white and blue.
    There was a band playing and food everywhere. I showed up a little late. A little scared. My feet were pinched into a nice pair of red satin heels. I wore a white sundress and a blue ribbon in my hair.
    I saw Robert first, but he didn’t see me. It was better that way, a gift, actually. He was lying in the plush green grass playing with children. There were all these little children there. I recognized them all. It’s such a small community here that their parents are people we knew growing up. Friends. Community. The most important things in life, really. And I realized that I was a part of it. I wasn’t alone at all. People were waving to me, greeting me. How could I have ever thought I was alone?
    The children were so adorable playing with Robert. I watched him on the grass, running and pretending to hide, throwing a ball, playing peekaboo. The mothers of the children made a half circle around the spectacle and nodded, smiling in approval. Then he ran around letting the children try and tag him. When they did, he’d fall over as if wounded and they would jump on him. I could clearly see him playing with our own children. How we’d have a boy who looked like me and a girl who looked like him. Maybe more, even. And grandchildren, too.
    Children. I didn’t realize how much I wanted children until that very moment. To be a mother. To love a child the way I’d always wanted to be loved.
    I turned my head as the wind kicked up off the sea. Levi was hanging back away from the crowd, leaning with one leg against the pavilion, smoking a cigarette and trying not to look at me. Only it wasn’t working. No matter where his eyes went, they always landed back on me.
    My heart jumped.
    I looked back at Robert, still playing, still unaware of my presence.
    Some say that before you die, you see your whole entire life pass before your eyes. Well, I wasn’t dying, but in that one moment I watched two separate lives play out in front of me. One with Robert and one with Levi.
    Levi wanting my attention as I fed our baby. Levi needing me when our children needed me. Finding him looking out into a distant place, a place I can’t understand, a place he can’t explain to me. A life full of wondering. A life, a love, so big that it crowded out everything else around it.
    And Robert. Robert helping me with the children, playing with them. I could see him watching me as I rocked them to sleep. There would be room in our lives for all sorts of affection, windows and doors always open to love. And just as I felt he’d be a wonderful father, I knew he’d be a wonderful husband, as well. Not the kind of man who controls or dominates. I felt that no matter