Free Undiscovered Gyrl: The novel that inspired the movie ASK ME ANYTHING (Vintage Contemporaries) by Allison Burnett Page A

upstairs, laughing. Mark thinks I’m a slut but I don’t give a shit. Hahaha!
    I’ve wasted half the day writing this. Why? Because I promised you I would and I’m a slut who keeps her word. My weekend’s half over. What shall I do tonight? Know what I want to do? Nothing. Yup, you heard me. Just lie in bed and dream about last night, playing it over and overagain in my head. A gyrl is only happy to stay home alone on a Saturday night when she’s truly in love.
    My PMS will be starting any second now. So unfair. I’m sick of being sad. I want to stay smiling forever.

Sunday, December 9, 2007
     
    Last night after I blogged, instead of doing nothing, Jade and Rory convinced me to go out. Normally I would never hang out with them together. They hate each other’s guts. But last night they were both so desperate to see me I made an exception. Jade needed to see me because she dumped her new boyfriend. Turns out he has herpes and didn’t tell her until after about the 20th time they boned without a condom. Oops! Sorry! And Rory needed to see me because his balls were deep, deep blue. He’d never say that, of course. He says he misses my pretty face.
    I made sure I drove so that if they started fighting I could escape. I warned them both that if they didn’t play nice I’d strand them on the side of the road like red-haired foster kids. Ha! To balance things out Rory invited Willy Schmidt to come with. He’s the only one of Rory’s roommates I like and the only one who’s not in the band. He’s stocky but kind of soft like he’s never worked out a day in his life. He has a big smile and a blondish Afro and wears football jerseys with his jeans. (It’s forgivable because he wants to be a sportsagent someday.) Willy is one of the sweetest, smartest, funniest guys you’ll ever meet, and if I wasn’t so superficial I’d marry him.
    We went to a movie called
Awake
which Jade heard was amazing. When it was over, Rory and Jade were so busy drooling over Jessica Alba’s ass they didn’t bother to mention that the movie was dreadful. The epitome of everything Dan and I despise about Hollywood. Thank god Willy agreed with me or I would have had to drive all of us into a tree. Next time I see Dan I will give him my vicious review. He jokes that he counts on me to keep him current on pop culture. He says I save him a fortune in movie tickets.
    Rory wanted to go to this cool new strip club where he knows the bouncer, but Jade’s mom was out on one of her rare dates, so we decided to take advantage and hang out at her big tacky house instead. Jade’s dad moved out when Jade was in about the fifth grade. He had a sick love of mirrors and marble. You have never seen so much of both. The house looks like a giant bathroom. You can’t even eat at their dining room table because the whole time you’re seeing nine of yourself.
    We got extremely high in the den which is still filled with her dad’s gold-painted furniture and books in Persian. Almost as soon as we turned on the T V, Jade and Willy got lost so Rory could maul me. We boned right there on the leather couch which stuck to my ass and made weird fartingsounds whenever he pumped. It made me laugh, which pissed Rory off, because he said if I were really into it I would not even hear the sound. Oops, sorry. Guess I’m not that into it then.
    Jade didn’t inform me of this until later, but while Rory and I were in the den, she and Willy were in the kitchen. She leaned back against the fridge, grabbed his head, tongue-kissed him then pushed him down to his knees. And he did it! He lifted her denim skirt and ate her like a poodle! With all the lights on. And mirrors everywhere. The last thing I would want to look at during sex is a hundred copies of my own bright thighs.
    “But you don’t even like him!” I said.
    Jade replied “I don’t need to like a guy to let him give me head. I can even hate him. Just as long as he knows what he’s doing.”
    Her eyes looked