Free Baby Love by Andrea Smith Page A

just that when I changed her diaper, I was kind of . . . well taken aback at the rash she has going on.  I didn't mean to accuse you of not taking care of her properly. Please believe me."
                  I was still sobbing, letting all of my fears and tension release for now.  I felt better in doing so.  I had needed this release.  My only regret was that my husband and daughter had witnessed it.  I hadn't wanted that at all.
                  "Trey," I said, sighing heavily, "This has been a very tough day on me.  I'm shaken because of Jean and what Gina is going through but I'm also worried about Preston."
                  "Baby, it's just a rash," he started.
                  "No, not just the rash," I explained tentatively.  "I've been having nightmares about Preston.  It's as if I can't keep her safe.  There's nothing more definitive than that in my dreams.  I'm worried."
                  "Sweetie," he started, "You are a new mom but I promise you that you are doing everything right.  I shouldn't have brought it up."
                  Trey was just not getting it.  He did not realize the depths of my concern and my fear for her.  He didn't know just how worried I had become.  He was staring at me now.  It was that look I had seen before as if he expected me to crumble into a million pieces.
                  Our reverie was broken by the sound of the baby crying.  It was her hungry cry; I recognized it.  I felt the 'letdown' in my breasts.  My milk was coming in and my breasts were full and begging for release.  I couldn't handle nursing her right now.  I couldn't deal with the closeness that came with nursing my baby girl.  Trey watched as I did nothing after hearing the sound of her cry.  He left the room and promptly returned holding Preston, bringing her toward me and holding her for me to take.
                  I took her from him tentatively.  She recognized my touch, my scent, my nearness. She broke out into a smile reaching for me.  I held her close and she immediately started nuzzling against me, rooting for my breast.  She wanted her fulfillment from me.  I wasn't prepared to give it to her right now.  I was starting to have fears and apprehension where she was concerned.
                  Trey was watching me his face not bothering to mask his concern at my impassiveness towards my baby.  He had never seen that before.  I was suddenly afraid to be close to her; I was too attached.  What if she wasn't
    here for the long haul?
                  I pulled her from me, handing her back to Trey.
                  "There are bottles in the fridge," I said my voice shaking. "Please feed her Trey." 
                  He took the baby from me and immediately she started kicking and fussing in protest.  I heard him murmuring softly to her as he took her down the hall towards the kitchen where he would heat up a bottle of my breast-pumped milk and feed her before she went down for the night.
                  I quickly changed into a nightgown and crawled into the safe comfort of our bed not wanting to think about anything but falling into a deep, dark sleep.  My wishes were granted. I didn't want anything to do with my baby for now.  It just wasn't safe . . .
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    CHAPTER 6
     
                  I had been sleeping for awhile when I heard Preston fussing once again from her bedroom.  I felt Trey get up and leave our bed, returning within a couple of minutes with Preston in his arms.  I pretended to sleep, never opening my eyes. 
                  I felt Trey lower himself down onto the bed, and fumble with my nightgown trying to lower the neckline in order to place Preston next to me so that she could nurse.  I rolled my body away from them into a