Free Forever...: a novel by Judy Blume Page A

his pants, found them on the floor next to the bed, then had to put on the light to find the rubber. When he did he held it up. "Satisfied?" he asked, turning the light off again.
    "I will be when you put it on."
    He kneeled beside me and rolled on the rubber. "Anything else?"
    "Don't be funny now … please … "
    "I won't … I won't … " he said and we kissed. Then he was on top of me and I felt Ralph, hard, against my thigh. Just when I thought, Oh God … we're really and truly going to do it, Michael groaned and said,
    "Oh no … no … I'm sorry … I'm so sorry … "
    "What's wrong?"
    "I came … I don't know what to say. I came before I even got in. I ruined it … I ruined everything."
    "It's all right," I told him. It's okay … really."
    "No, it's not."
    "It doesn't matter."
    "Maybe not to you … "
    "It could have been all that talking. We shouldn't have talked so much."
    "Next time it'll be better," Michael said. "I promise … Ralph won't fail me twice."
    "Okay." I took his hand and kissed it.
    "Let's just sleep for a while, then we can try again."

    "I'm not tired," I said, "but I'm very hungry."
    "There's nothing to eat here."
    "We could go out."
    "Get dressed and go out?"
    "Why not?"
    "Yeah … I suppose we could," he said.
    We went to Stanley's for hamburgers and on the way back to the apartment we stopped at a drugstore so Michael could buy some more rubbers. I stayed in the car.
    "Let's try the living room," Michael said when we got back.
    "I couldn't … not on that beautiful rug."
    "Oh, hell … it's got so many colors nothing would show on it anyway … and it's softer than the wood floor."
    "I don't know … " I said, looking at the rug.
    "I'll double up the towel." He spread it out. "There … that should take care of it." This time I tried to relax and think of nothing—nothing but how my body felt—and then Ralph was pushing against me and I whispered, "Are you in … are we doing it?"
    "Not yet," Michael said, pushing harder. "I don't want to hurt you."
    "Don't worry … just do it!"
    "I'm trying, Kath … but it's very tight in there."
    "What should I do?"
    "Can you spread your legs some more … and maybe raise them a little?"
    "Like this?"
    "That's better … much better."
    I could feel him halfway inside me and then Michael whispered, "Kath … "
    "What?"
    "I think I'm going to come again."
    I felt a big thrust, followed by a quick sharp pain that made me suck in my breath. "Oh … oh," Michael
    cried, but I didn't come. I wasn't even close. I'm sorry," he said, "I couldn't hold off." He stopped moving. "It wasn't any good for you, was it?"
    "Everybody says the first time is no good for a virgin. I'm not disappointed." But I was. I'd wanted it to be perfect.
    "Maybe it was the rubber," Michael said. "I should have bought the more expensive kind." He kissed my cheek and took my hand. "I love you, Kath. I wanted it to be good for you too."
    "I know."
    "Next time it'll be better … we've got to work on it. Did you bleed?"
    "I don't feel anything." I wrapped the beach towel around my middle and went to the bathroom. When I wiped myself with tissues I saw a few spots of blood, but nothing like what I'd expected. On the way home I thought, I am no longer a virgin. I'll never have to go through the first-time business again and I'm glad—I'm so glad it's over! Still, I can't help feeling let down. Everybody makes such a big thing out of actually doing it. But Michael is probably right—this takes practice. I can't imagine what the first time would be like with someone you didn't love.
    13
    We were sitting around the kitchen table the next day, having Sunday brunch. I thought for sure that as soon as my parents saw me they'd be able to tell. But after a while I realized that they were acting the same as always, so I guess my experience doesn't show, after all.
    I smoothed some cream cheese on my bagel and decorated the top with a few dots of lox. My father and Jamie pile their bagels high but I