Free Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes by David Minkoff Page A

Who’s doing the catering?
    Q: Why did the Jewish mother want to be buried near Short Hills Mall?
    A: To be sure her daughter would visit her twice a week.

    Henry invited his mother, Freda, over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn’t help but keep noticing how beautiful Henry’s roommate, Debbie, was. Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship between Henry and Debbie and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Freda started to wonder if there was more between Henry and Debbie than met the eye.
    Reading his mother’s thoughts, Henry said, “I know what you must be thinking, mom, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates.”
    About a week later, Debbie said to Henry, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
    Henry replied, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”
    So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying that you did take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
    Several days later, Henry received a letter from his mother, which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Debbie, and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with Debbie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love Mother.”
    Lesson of the day—don’t lie to a Jewish mother.

    The remarkable thing about my mother is that for twenty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

    Moshe calls his mother and asks, “How are you?”
    “Not too good,” Hetty says. “I’m feeling very weak.”
    “Why, mother?”
    Hetty says, “Because I haven’t eaten in twenty-three days.”
    Moshe replies, “That’s terrible, mother. Why haven’t you eaten in twenty-three days?”
    Hetty answers, “because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call!”

    Abe Caponovitch, a Jewish gangster, was dining at a kosher restaurant on New York’s Lower East Side, when members of the mob burst in and shot him full of lead. Abe managed to stagger out of the restaurant and stumbled up the street to the block where his mother lived. Clutching his bleeding stomach, he then crawled up the stairs and banged on the door of his mother’s apartment, screaming, “Mama, Mama! Help me, Mama!” His mother opened the door, eyed him up and down and said,
“Bubbeleh,
come in. First you eat, then you talk!"

    Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
    A: They put them in the car.
    Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
    A:“Is anything OK?"

    Although Miriam Cohen had a good job designing clothes in a top shop in Manhattan, she wasn’t satisfied with being single. In fact she and her mother, Freda, shared the same wish—Miriam should marry a wealthy man, please God.
    One day, Miriam came home from work with eyes red and sore from crying and went straight to Freda. “Mom, I’m pregnant. Please don’t get upset—the father is my boss.”
    Miriam then began to cry again and Freda had to stay with her most of the night. The next morning, an angry Freda went with Miriam to see her boss.
    “
Nu
,” she said. “So what’s going to happen to Miriam now?”
    Miriam’s boss was a handsome, single, well-dressed man of thirty-two. He replied, “Please take a seat Mrs. Cohen and don’t worry. I’m taking care of all the arrangements. Before the baby is born, Miriam will have the best doctor money can buy. Later on, she’ll go to the best hospital in New York and after the baby is born, I will set up a trust fund for Miriam. She will receive $1,000 each week until the baby reaches twenty-one. I can’t do better than that.”
    Freda