Free Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes by David Minkoff

different to his other children. So he plucks up courage and asks his wife, “Tell me the truth, Sarah. Who is Sam’s real father?"
    Sarah replies, “You are.”

Mothers
    My Yiddishe Mama
    My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done:
    “If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!”
    My mother taught me religion:
    “If you don’t learn Hebrew, you won’t be Bar Mitzvah’ed and, if you’re not Bar Mitzvah’ed, I’ll die of embarrassment!"
    My mother taught me about time travel:
    “If you don’t behave, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
    My mother taught me logic:
    “Because I said so, that’s why.”
    My mother taught me foresight:
    “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
    My mother taught me irony:
    “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
    My mother taught me about the science of osmosis:
    “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
    My mother taught me about contortion:
    “Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
    My mother taught me about stamina:
    “You’ll sit there until all your spinach is finished.”
    My mother taught me about the weather:
    “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
    My mother taught me about hypocrisy:
    “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times—don’t exaggerate!”
    My mother taught me the circle of life:
    “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
    My mother taught me about behavior modification:
    “Stop acting like your father!"
    My mother taught me about envy:
    “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”
    My mother taught me medicine:
    “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
    My mother taught me to think ahead:
    “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!"
    My mother taught me ESP:
    “Put your sweater on—don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”
    My mother taught me to meet a challenge:
    “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!"
    My mother taught me humor:
    “When that lawn-mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
    My mother taught me restraint:
    “Don’t eat so fast. If you don’t chew, you don’t digest and the doctor will have to remove your stomach.”
    My mother taught me about the unknown:
    “I gave you $10 last week. Where did it go?"

    Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone, and heard, “Darling, how are you? This is Mommy.”
    “Oh Mom,” Rivkah said crying, “I’m having a bad day. The baby won’t eat and the washing machine won’t work. I’ve sprained my ankle and I’m hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I’m supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner tonight. I haven’t even had a chance to go shopping.”
    The voice on the other end said in sympathy, “Darling, let Mummy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I’ll be over in half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I’ll feed the baby and I’ll call a plumber I know who’ll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I’ll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once.”
    “David?” said Rivkah. “Who’s David?”
    “Why, David’s your husband—is this 555-9999?”
    “No, this is 555-6483.”
    “Oh, I’m so sorry I must have dialed the wrong number.”
    There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, “Does this mean you’re not coming?”

    Q: What is a Jewish woman’s idea of natural childbirth?
    A: No makeup whatsoever.
    Q: What did the Jewish Mother cash dispenser say to her customer?
    A: You never write, you never call and you only visit me when you need money.
    Q: What did the Jewish mother say when her daughter told her she was having an affair?
    A: