Free Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes by David Minkoff Page B

was initially taken aback by this news but then responded, “Tell me, God forbid Miriam should have a miscarriage, but if she does, would you give her a second chance?”

    A Mother’s Lament:
    “Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask for from a child, after all I’ve done?"

    Some motherly quotes you might not be aware of:
    I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you could have still written!
    (Columbus’ Jewish mother)
    Of course I’m proud you invented the electric light bulb. Now be a good boy and turn it off and go to bed.
    (Thomas Edison’s Jewish mother)
    But it’s your Bar Mitzvah photo! Couldn’t you do something about your hair?
    (Albert Einstein’s Jewish mother)
    That’s a nice story. So now tell me where you’ve
really
been for the last forty years.
    (Jonah’s Jewish mother)

    Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish mothers smoke?
    A: Gefiltered.
    Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish mothers?
    A: Guilt.
    Q: Why do Jewish mothers make such good parole officers?
    A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
    Q: What is a genius?
    A: An average pupil with a Jewish mother.

    Letter to my son:
    My dear darling Moshe and that-person-you-married-against-my-wishes,
    Happy New Year and well over the Fast to you. Please don’t worry about me—I’m well, considering I am having trouble breathing and eating. All I want is for you to have a nice holiday thousands of miles away from your mother.
    Please find attached to this letter my last $20. I am just hoping that you will spend it on my grandchildren, poor babies—God knows their mother never seems to buy them anything nice. Maybe you’ll buy some food, as they look so thin in the photos you sent me.
    Thank you Moshe for the flowers you sent me on my birthday. To save you money, I have put them in the freezer in the hope that they will last until my funeral. And please don’t think of sending me any more money. I realize you will need it yourself for your next who-knows-where-in-the-world expensive holiday.
    I lost my walking stick last week beating off muggers, but don’t worry—when I finish writing this letter, I shall crawl back to bed. I am even beginning to get used to the cold since the landlord turned off the heating. The frost helps to numb the constant pain.
    Please give my love to my darling grandchildren and give my regards to “her.”
    Love from your devoted mother.

    There are two theories on how to successfully argue with a Jewish mother.
    Unfortunately, neither of them works.

    If Mona Lisa’s mother were Jewish, she’d have said, “Mona,
bubbeleh,
after all the money your father and I spent on your braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?"

    You know your mother is Jewish when:
    She cries at your
bris
—because you’re not engaged already
    She shouts
“Mazeltov!"
—every time she hears some dishes break.
    She does all her shopping for next Passover as soon as Passover ends— because she can buy the essential items at sale prices.
    She calls you many times a day before 10 a.m.—because she wants to ask you how your day is going.
    She takes an extra suitcase with her on vacation—because where else can she put the hotel’s soaps, shampoos, bath oils, shower hats and shoe shiners?
    She cries at your Bar Mitzvah—because you’re not engaged already.
    She goes to her doctor for every minor ailment—so she can show your photo to the young single doctors.
    She won’t let you leave home without a coat and some advice on dating—because “mother knows best.”
    She takes restaurant leftovers home with her—“I should throw away?"
    She cries on your twenty-first birthday—because you’re not engaged already.
    She serves you chopped liver every week—because just once, when you were young, you told her you loved chopped liver.
    She makes an extra Shabbes table setting—because you just might have met your
beshayrt
(intended) on the way over.
    She gets mad with you if you buy jewelry at full