Free Woman on Fire by Amy Jo Goddard Page B

sexually closed off, and hold themselves back from sexual experiences they have wanted as married women. All of it based on a belief that it is somehow wrong or a sin to explore, or that they would be a “certain kind” of woman they don’t want to be.

    EXAMINING BELIEFS ABOUT SEXUALITY
    1. IDENTIFY BELIEFS ABOUT SEXUALITY
    On a sheet of paper, write “Beliefs about my sexuality that I’ve learned based on my story,” and make a list of them.
    What have you believed about your sexual identity, your sexual ability, your sexual body, your relationships, love, intimacy, your power, your ability to make good choices, and so on. What are the beliefs you’ve been operating from?
    Some will be positive, empowering keepers, and some will be disempowering beliefs.
    2. ASSESS AND REWRITE YOUR LIST OF BELIEFS
    Ask yourself what no longer serves you that you’d like to change. For every belief that is no longer serving you, write out the new belief.
    Even if you aren’t totally on board yet.
    What beliefs do you now want to have about your sexuality?
    Some Examples
BELIEF ABOUT SEXUALITY: A woman who makes the first move will be seen as a “slut” and, therefore, undesirable.
MY NEW BELIEF: A woman who makes the first move knows what she wants and goes for it, and that’s powerful and highly desirable.
BELIEF ABOUT SEXUALITY: Fat women won’t find good sex partners, and I’m fat so I won’t get to have great sex.
MY NEW BELIEF: Many great sex partners are attracted to larger women, and there are great partners out there for me. My body is beautiful.
BELIEF ABOUT SEXUALITY: I don’t deserve a good relationship/good sex because I cheated on my partner.
MY NEW BELIEF: I learned a lot from my affair and it was an important experience for me. I do not have to keep paying for it by punishing myself.

    Oftentimes such stories are attached to religious or cultural beliefs that can be very limiting to our sexuality. As we grow up and develop our own belief systems, sometimes we need to leave behind some of our religious beliefs in order to free ourselves. This can be a charged subject. I can’t always say this to my clients. I respect aclient who is devoutly committed to her religious life. It’s not for me to steer her otherwise. And sometimes people realize they have to make some choices.
    It’s important to acknowledge the role of religion and family culture in creating our belief systems because we are often at odds with these ingrained beliefs, and it can be difficult to extricate ourselves from them. So many clients have come through my programs needing to free themselves from limiting religious doctrine about sexuality. It can be an extended process depending on the depth of those beliefs and how attached a person is to them.
    Excavate your own sexual story and create beliefs that are supportive of your own growth and who you are today. Rewrite the parts that don’t work and accept your own agency in deciding how and to whom you want to tell those stories that are meaningful.
FUNCTIONS OF YOUR SEXUAL STORY
    Your sexual story can play many functions for you in your life and relationships. Some of these functions are beneficial, while many are not. It’s important to ask yourself how any given story is functioning for you. What is it holding in place? What need is it meeting? And is it in alignment with who you want to be?
Intimacy and Community
    Some of your stories can help you develop intimacy as you share the deeper parts of who you are with lovers, close friends, or family members. I sometimes share a personal story with a client if I think it will help her gain some understanding or not feel so alone in her journey. Your stories can also connect you to others with shared experiences. I gave the example of Take Back the Night, which is a space where people can create community for healing. There are coming-out support groups for young lesbian, gay,