Free Projection by Keith Ablow Page B

hadn't missed Kathy, wasn't glad to see her, didn't feel anything like longing.  But I still felt connected to her.  Maybe it was not only violence, but pain that joined us.  Though Kathy hadn't confessed her traumatic past to me until after the killings, both of us had been in harm's way as children.  Both of us had sought mastery over our suffering by becoming doctors, trying to relieve the suffering of others.
    A few seconds passed.  She smiled faintly.  "Are you OK?"
    "Getting by."
    "I was hoping one of us was doing better than that."
    I nodded.
    "Have you been able to stay away from the drugs?  Are you getting stronger?"
    I thought of Hollander's words at breakfast, but I could not bear her reaching out to me.  "Have they been kind to you here?" I asked.
    Her face every hint of amiability.  "That must feel good.  Finally being in total control."
    "It's not about that."
    "Oh," she mocked.  "It's so easy to get confused.  You're free to go.  I'm locked up.  Your friend Matt can pump me full of Haldol or Thorazine anytime he feels like it.  I can be strip-searched if they think I stole a pencil or a plastic spoon.  If I were to threaten you, I'd land in the ‘quiet room’ or in restraints."  Her eyes moved to my crotch.  "It just seemed like you were on top."
    I instinctively moved my forearm to cover myself.  "This is going wrong.  Can we kind of start again?"
    "Does having that much power get you hard, Frank?  Did you fantasize about me coming in here in a little Johnny, open at the back?"  She spread her knees apart and ran a finger up one thigh, then over the denim seam between her legs.  "Does it make you want to spank me?"  She caught her lower lip between her teeth like a shy schoolgirl.  "Does it make you want to fuck me?"
    My stomach churned.  "It makes me sad," I managed.  "It makes me wish I could help you."
    "You want to help me," she chuckled, leaning forward and squinting incredulously.  "That's what putting me in this hell was all about?"
    "I wanted you in a hospital instead of in prison."
    "Because this is your domain."
    "Because you're ill."  Because I thought I loved you.
    "Ah, yes.  Sick little Kathy.  Wind her up, and she thanks the all-powerful shrink for sparing her.  What about your sickness?"  She settled back into her chair.  "I could have sworn you were torturing me for killing your little whore Rachel."
    I took those words like a roundhouse kick to my gut.  "Don't," I said.
    "Look at you," she said, rolling her eyes.  "You're still obsessed with her."
    If I had let myself go I would have leapt at Kathy and beaten her with my fists for soiling Rachel's name.  But I reminded myself that it was her illness speaking.  My visit had ignited her primitive jealousy and rage.  I had to keep my composure — to think and act like a psychiatrist.  "And you still hate her," I managed, "even though she's dead.  Do you have any idea why?  Has Hollander helped you figure it out?"
    "It's Psych 101, really.  He thinks my dad raping me, then blowing me off in favor of my little sister when I reached puberty has a lot to do with it.  He thinks I've been confused and angry ever since.  Very angry."
    "What do you think?"
    She stared blankly at me.  Her voice became mechanical.  "I feel I can express my emotions more openly.  I'm sure I wouldn't hurt anyone again."
    I wanted to tap into Kathy's grief over what had happened to her.  "Have you started to hurt?"
    "You really are getting off on this little power trip, aren't you?"
    "I'm not looking for power.  I brought you here to get well."
    "You might be able to fool your friend Matt into believing that crap, but you and I should start being honest with each other, Frank.  You figured out a way to lock me and Trevor up, even though he didn't do anything wrong."
    "He knew."  My teeth ground against each other.  "He let you go on killing."
    "As if anyone could have stopped me."  She sounded proud and defiant.  "All