Free We Only Know So Much by Elizabeth Crane

from sobbing in the hope that Otis won’t notice. At first he doesn’t, but then she inhales in a way that catches his attention; she sounds kind of like a sheep. Fortunately Jean knows that Otis doesn’t know why she’ll never know, although he doesn’t ask, doesn’t even ask why she’s crying, so she lets it go.

ten
    A t home, Otis runs up the stairs, eager to examine the beans again, brushing past his sister in the hallway. He’s barely touched her. Geez, look where you’re going, Baby Freak , Priscilla says, giving him a shove on her way down. Ordinarily he’d notice, not that he’d do anything much about it, but today’s events have invested him with the temporary power to overlook his sister’s abuse.
    For his first few years of existence, Otis had shadowed Priscilla. It may have been nothing other than her relative height that intrigued him, her general big-sisterness, but wherever she was, he wanted to be. Once, when Priscilla was in seventh grade and Otis was four, he came upon his sister and her friend Taylor having a fashion show, begged to be in it, and the only reason Priscilla agreed was that Taylor liked Otis and plus also thought it would be funny to see him dressed up like a girl. Pleeeeeeze , Otis said. Priscilla rolled her eyes about it, Fine-nuh , she’d said, two syllables, and, Gol , and so they styled him in a denim mini and a pale blue ruffle top, threw on a necklace. Taylor insisted on some lip gloss, blush, and a headband with a bow, which thrilled Otis, so much so that he’d left the room briefly to show his mother but found only Vivian, who’d come over with Theodore and Laura for dinner that day. (Vivian, of course, would express concerns to her granddaughter-in-law about where this sort of thing might lead , but Jean remained unworried, hoped, futilely, that where this might lead was to Priscilla and Otis spending more time together.) Otis had sashayed down the upstairs hall “runway” the way Taylor showed him, beaming, both at the fun of it and at the prospect of more times like these with his sister. Unfortunately, the opposite would come to pass: even if Otis hadn’t broken his sister’s favorite necklace when he’d hastily pulled it off, even if he hadn’t smeared his lipstick on her blouse, this moment would mark the official banishment of Otis from Priscilla’s room.
    Today, Priscilla and Taylor are frantically texting each other. Priscilla is actually on her way to pick up Taylor. They have both been called back for a second audition for the TV show. This time they are going to put the girls on tape. Priscilla is using exclamation points; she is not usually one for such overt displays of enthusiasm, but right now she can’t help herself. The texting and driving is doing nobody any favors, but fortunately Taylor only lives a few blocks away. Ohmigawwd!! they screech when Taylor gets in the car. Taylor’s a little bit excited now, too, not quite as excited as Priscilla, but remember, they’re both nineteen, and Taylor doesn’t have any much better ideas about what she’s doing with her life than Priscilla does.
    Priscilla is called in first. This time they’ve slotted twenty minutes for each girl, and there are three additional people present, more producers, in addition to the four from last time.
    Okay , Ted says, so we’re just going to ask you some general questions, to get an idea of how you look on camera. There are no right or wrong answers, so don’t worry about that. We really just want you to be yourself. Priscilla is smiling hard, which is already her not being herself. Priscilla is not a big smiler. No one in her family is. Or maybe it is her being herself, but a new weird version of herself where she’s actually excited about something—that combined with trying to be likable. Priscilla has never given headspace to being likable before, insofar as she has always assumed she is. Suddenly she’s not sure. Suddenly the questions. Lots and lots of