Free The Humans by Stephen Karam Page B

can fix?—
    BRIGID
    Everyone whose opinion I value has read this—
    ERIK
    Your grandma grew up in a two-room cesspool and your tragedy is what—having to figure out how to get a new letter of recommendation? / Sorry if I—
BRIGID
DEIRDRE
It takes years to build relationships with—
She knows all this . . .
    ERIK
    â€”you’re lucky to have a passion to pursue, if you don’t care about it enough to push through this setback you should quit and do something else . . .
DEIRDRE
AIMEE
All right . . . we’re sorry,
      (To Erik)
Bridge, that guy’s a jerk . . .
Wow, what is up with you today?
    UPSTAIRS : The light above the staircase burns out. The only light upstairs now comes from the open bathroom door.
BRIGID
RICHARD
Shit, another bulb’s out . . .
Oh great . . . welcome to New York, guys . . .
    DEIRDRE
    It’s just a light bulb . . . we’ll live . . .
    Brigid goes in search of a spare bulb. Erik follows her.
    ERIK
    Â Â Â Â Â  (To Brigid, who is still angry with him)
    Hey, hey, I don’t wanna see you bent outta shape over something you can fix. / The Blakes bounce back, that’s what we do.
    BRIGID
    Thanks . . . . . . uh-huh, yeah . . . . . . thanks, Dad, I don’t really need a lecture now . . . Rich—why didn’t we ask the landlord to replace all the light bulbs before we moved in?
    RICHARD
    Because that’s a crazy thing to ask for, babe, no one asks for that.
DEIRDRE
ERIK
      (Stifiling laughter)
Well, they’re all probably on
Yeah, no one asks for that /
their last legs . . .
. . . and even if you did, it
 
wouldn’t matter, ’cause . . .
 
    AIMEE
    What are you laughing at?
    DEIRDRE
    . . . she’s burning out the bulbs to get our attention . . .
BRIGID
AIMEE
What?
What—who is?
    DEIRDRE
    She-With-No-Face . . . / she strikes again!
ERIK
AIMEE
Now you got her started . . .
What’s so funny? What?
    BRIGID
    Dad sees faceless women in his sleep . . .
    DEIRDRE
    Â Â Â Â Â  (Going upstairs, wobbly ghost wail)
    . . . woooooooo . . .
    RICHARD
    Tough crowd, Erik . . .
AIMEE
ERIK
Where are you going, Crazy Lady?
You’re telling me . . .
    DEIRDRE
    The bathroom . . .
    Â Â Â Â Â  (Using a flashlight)
    . . . this is gonna be like spelunking just to go pee . . . woooooo . . .
    Now they are all laughing, even Richard.
    UPSTAIRS : Deirdre proceeds to the bathroom.
    AIMEE
    Who is this headless person?
    BRIGID
    Faceless , she’s got skin covering her eye sockets / and mouth—
AIMEE
ERIK
Ewwwww . . .
All right, ha ha . . .
    Brigid, still miffed by Erik’s tough love, goes to the kitchen area.
    BRIGID
    . . . yeah, and I hope she visits you tonight in your sleep and casts an evil spell / on you—
    ERIK
    Oh yeah, smart-ass?—
    Erik stops Brigid and bear-hugs her, making her laugh involuntarily.
BRIGID
ERIK
Stop! Dad! Oh now you wanna be compassionate?!
You don’t know how good you have it . . .
Stop! The eyeless sorceress has all my support . . .
 
    RICHARD
    Last week I dreamed I fell into an ice-cream cone made of grass and became a baby.
    BRIGID
    Richard, / are you kidding me with the sharing . . .
    RICHARD
    What?—I can share it if I want / —I restarted my life . . .
    BRIGID
    You can, and I love you, / but when you share dreams in front of my family I become a crazy person—
    AIMEE
    Hey, why don’t—all right, Lover-Of-All, come on, come with me, let’s get rid of some of this . . .
    RICHARD
    You want help?
    AIMEE
    No, you’re good, you boys keep talking . . .
    They exit into the kitchen talking, carrying some of the food dishes. Richard’s a bit embarrassed.
    RICHARD
    I got to re-boot my life, it was good . . .
    ERIK
    I dunno. Doing life twice sounds like the only thing worse than doing it once.
    They drink. Audible-but-indecipherable conversation from Aimee and Brigid in the kitchen.
    RICHARD
    The cone was made out of