Free The Humans by Stephen Karam

about—
    RICHARD
    I think I know what you’re saying—do you mean—
    ERIK
    I’m saying—Dee’s bosses have more money than God and they’re stingy with her on everything, bonuses, vacation days . . . Aimes gets fired ’cause she’s sick— my grandma almost lost her life in a fire ’cause her bosses locked the doors to her factory to keep ’em from taking breaks, coupla blocks from here, so—and this isn’t some scientific notion or something—but, yeah, I do notice that rich people are usually pretty messed up.
BRIGID
AIMEE
[Oh God . . .]
That’s an elegant thesis, Dad.
    RICHARD
    Well, no, no, it’s a good point, I just don’t think being messed up is necessarily linked to how much money is in your bank account.
BRIGID
ERIK
Of course . . .
Yeah, but it can shift your
 
priorities in ways that aren’t
 
good.
    RICHARD
    We agree on that, yeah, but so can being poor. Right? / Just meaning—
BRIGID
AIMEE
Yes . . .
Everyone’s right, guys . . .
    RICHARD
    â€”I actually agree with you, I’m just adding that . . . yes, wealth can ruin people but so can poverty.
    DEIRDRE
    Well I’d rather be ruined in a Four Seasons somewhere, on a beach, you know? . . . I’ll take wealth for four hundred, Alex . . .
BRIGID
AIMEE
Mom, that doesn’t even make sense . . .
Oh, Mom . . .

RICHARD
    . . . well I’m proud that my family went out of their way to ensure—you do get that I’m not able to touch my money until I’m forty, right?
    ERIK
    Uh-huh, but do you get how that sounds to a man my age?
    RICHARD
    No I hear you, I hear you . . . / I do . . .
AIMEE
BRIGID
. . . pass the—thanks . . .
We got the veggies from this farmer’s market on Essex . . .
    DEIRDRE
    They’re delicious . . .
    BRIGID
    We’re gonna try and keep our fridge stocked with them, start juicing for breakfast.
    AIMEE
    Cool . . .
    RICHARD
    You guys liking any of the super-foods?
    BRIGID
    Â Â Â Â Â  (To Aimee)
    Rich made up a list that I e-mailed to these guys . . .
    DEIRDRE
    I even, I bought blueberries last week . . . they’re not cheap.
    ERIK
    You also bought blueberry doughnuts.
    DEIRDRE
    Yeah, and you had three of them, so don’t / act like you’re better than me please.
    ERIK
    I did, no, I did.
    AIMEE
    Sadly, doughnuts are cheaper, too, huh?
DEIRDRE
BRIGID
Yeah.
Not cheaper when you consider how much heart disease costs once you’re hospitalized.
    They eat.
    ERIK
    So what, uh, when forty comes along, what happens . . . do you just, do you retire?
AIMEE
BRIGID
Dad . . .
No, he’s studying to become a social worker . . .
    RICHARD
    Yeah, the main reason I’m not done with school yet is, I’ve been / in and out—
    BRIGID
    He took time off—
    RICHARD
    â€”yeah, because for a while / I was—
    BRIGID
    You don’t have to tell them . . .
    RICHARD
    â€”it’s fine—in my early thirties—I was depressed for a bit, so—I’m fine now, just took me a while to get up and running again, but . . . I’ve been better for years, it’s why I’m comfortable talking about it . . .
    ERIK
    You take medicine for that?
    BRIGID
    Dad, that’s rude / to ask—
RICHARD
ERIK
It’s okay.
Sorry, hey, sorry, just . . . in our family we don’t, uh, we don’t have that kinda depression.
    AIMEE
    Yeah, no we just have a lot of stoic sadness.
    They eat.
    ERIK
    Â Â Â Â Â  (To Richard)
    Well . . . I’m sorry, if—
    RICHARD
    [It’s fine.]
    ERIK
    . . . makes you wonder if—the kind of faith we grew up with . . . it’s not perfect but you take for granted what a, a, a kinda natural antidepressant it is . . .
    AIMEE
    No religion at the table—
    DEIRDRE
    Hey, my mouth is shut, you know / where I stand . . .
    BRIGID
    Mom . . . you brought a statue of the Virgin Mary into our house— / how is your mouth shut?
    ERIK
    All right, okay . . . I