Free My Big Fat Gay Life by Brett Kiellerop

Patricia must have stopped off on her way home and put a load of washing in the machine. I’d have to have words with her: cleaning my apartment late on a Saturday night was going too far.
    I went into my room to find clean sheets on my bed. Shaking my head, I had a shower and collapsed on the bed. I was in a deep sleep within seconds.

Day 3 Narrative 4 - Patricia

    Wandering aimlessly through Arndale in the City Centre, I contemplated the engagement party tonight. I’m absolutely thrilled for Justin and Ruth. Justin has been a part of Sebastian’s life for so long that he feels like another son to Donovan and I.
    Despite their protestations that they don’t want presents, I decided to get the kids something nice. Remembering the struggle to find a vase on the day I took some flowers to Ruth after finding out she was pregnant, I thought a vase wouldn’t go astray.
    I rummaged through my purse to see if I had any old receipts in there. Finding an appropriate one, I walked confidently into an up-scale store and went vase shopping. Finding a stunning modern piece that, in my opinion, was perfectly suited to Ruth’s tastes, I tucked it under my arm and browsed for a while longer.
    After a suitable amount of time had passed, I slipped the old store receipt from my purse and waved it at the security guard as I headed towards the exit. I carried the vase in my hands, having it on open display. The security glanced at the old receipt, looked at the vase, and gave me a smile as I left the store. My heart pounded, but I forced myself to walk casually back to my car.
    * * *
    When I arrived home, I found Donovan dressed smartly and chomping at the bit to go to the party. I showed him the vase.
    “It’s lovely,” he said, “but they don’t want presents.”
    “I’m sure that doesn’t apply to us, Darling,” I said.
    “Where’s it’s box?” he asked.
    “I asked the store to recycle it for me,” I replied. “There’s some tissue paper and tape in the drawer. Could you please wrap it while I get ready?”
    Without waiting for a reply, and not wanting to discuss the vase any further, I quickly headed upstairs to prepare for the party.
    * * *
    The party was delightful! We clicked instantly with Ruth’s mother, Doris, and her lesbian lover Jack. We were chatting with them when Justin’s parents arrived, and the six of us huddled together like a group of old crones amongst the younger guests.
    Justin’s parents were a handsome couple, and in their own way they were open minded and accepting. However, they weren’t open minded enough to agree to a sexual tryst with Donovan and I. We’d tried sounding them out years ago, but they’d declined gracefully. They stated that they didn’t want to sound like they were passing judgement on us, but they were happily monogamous. To their credit they never behaved any differently towards us, and genuinely seemed to accept that other couples have different norms and behaviours to them.
    At one point Donovan gave me a look. After being married for so long, I knew all his looks. This look said Let’s invite Doris and Jack back to our place for some fun . I nodded my agreement at him.
    “Jack,” he said, “have you always been a lesbian?”
    “Hell yes!” she replied emphatically. “I tell my parents I’m still a virgin. I’ve never had sex with a man.”
    “Do you like toys? Does Doris use a strap-on dildo on you?”
    “Every chance we get,” Jack said. Doris blushed demurely. Justin’s parents gave each other a look - they could see where this is going.
    “Yet you don’t like cock?” Donovan asked. “Isn’t a cock just a smaller and warmer version of a dildo?”
    “Yes,” Jack answered, “but cocks are attached to men.” She gave an exaggerated shudder of disgust. We all laughed.
    * * *
    “Hi!” I brightly greeted the young man with the straggly hair. “You probably don’t remember me. My name’s Patricia. You came to Sebastian’s apartment to get your