Free Beneath the Surface by Heidi Perks

Kathryn.
    Hannah and Lauren both turned to their mum, who continued smiling.
How brave
, anyone else would think.
What a strong woman
. But neither of them missed the signs: the sharp intake of breath, the hand gripping the side of the chair Eleanor sat in, the eyes clouding and blinking hard.
    ‘There must be a ton of emotions boiling up inside her,’ Lauren confided in Hannah later. ‘I would just want to scream if I was Mum.’
    ‘Yet she never does,’ Hannah observed, which always made her wonder what might happen when those emotions eventually boiled over.

– Eight –
    The morning it was confirmed to Kathryn that her mother had Alzheimer’s was one blustery autumn day the previous October. She remembered it well because she had gone to the home on her own that time. The girls were at school, and Joanne Potts, Elms Home’s manager, had called her the day before, asking to see her. It was important, she told her, and it would be better if Kathryn could make it that week.
    Kathryn made a point of murmuring and flicking through her diary but eventually said, ‘I suppose I could move a few things around and come tomorrow, if that suits?’ They agreed a time and Kathryn wrote the appointment onto the blank page. She kept her voice light as she said goodbye; she didn’t want them thinking she was unduly concerned, but meanwhile her insides were doing somersaults. Of course she knew what was coming.
    At the end of the visit Kathryn closed the door to the home behind her. Her face was the blank canvas it had been when she arrived an hour earlier. As she walked towards her car, the gravel crunching beneath her feet, the wind suddenly picked up and leaves whipped around her as if in some kind of frenzy. Kathryn stood still and held her arms out to her sides; she lifted her face to the sky and let the world spin around her. The whole scene seemed quite fitting and she was almost comforted by it. It felt as if the universe was balanced, the turmoil inside her mother’s brain was recreated outside. But on the other hand, she realised how great her own sense of turmoil was becoming, because if her mother was no longer able to command her, she had absolutely no idea what direction she should be heading in.
    The nurses hadn’t understood her analogy about the universe. They appeared anxious when they came out to check on her. Twenty minutes they said she was standing there, without moving. Of course it hadn’t been that long. They were always exaggerating.
    ‘Are you sure you’re OK, Kathryn?’ they asked, their faces perfecting a look of concern. ‘Do you want to come back inside for a moment?’
    ‘I’m fine,’ she insisted. ‘I’m perfectly fine.’
    But of course she wasn’t fine. How foolish of them to even ask. She didn’t trust the nurses who worked there, particularly Patricia, who always seemed far too happy and too interested in their lives for her liking. She also didn’t like the way they treated her mother, like a child who didn’t know her own mind.
    *****
    The night of Eleanor’s birthday, once both the girls had gone to bed, Kathryn sat on the stone seat at the end of her back garden and took a cigarette out of its packet. Her thin fingers shook as she held onto it, placing it between her lips as she fumbled to flick the lighter with her other hand. Once lit, she drew a deep breath, inhaling the smoke, and for the first time that day felt like she could breathe again. She wished she could relive that feeling she had had last autumn. The universe no longer felt balanced. Every day that passed meant another fragment of Eleanor’s mind was chipped away. Lost for ever. It didn’t make sense that a mind, once so strong, could end up like that.
    Eleanor’s birthday was a particularly difficult visit. Her own mother not recognising her – she might as well have risen from her chair and kicked Kathryn in the stomach. A small part of Kathryn wished she had let her guard down, even for that one