Free Mercury Shrugs by Robert Kroese

We’ll find out about it after the nefarious plot is already well underway. You’ll try to stay uninvolved, like you always do, but in the end your conscience will overcome your apathy and you’ll save the day. You’re not as unpredictable as you like to think you are. I’m just asking you to put a little planning into what you’re going to end up doing anyway. You save the world, Mercury. It’s your thing.”
    “No,” Mercury corrected, “my thing is saving the world begrudgingly, with minimal forethought and an immense amount of style.”
    “It’s really the first part that matters,” said Eddie.
    “Says you,” replied Mercury. “I’m sticking with the full package. It’s worked for me so far.”
    “So far, yes,” agreed Eddie. “But what if this time you’re too late? Is it really worth it to risk the world just so you can maintain your slacker image?”
    “It’s not an image,” said Mercury. “I’m fully devoted to the slacker lifestyle.” He let out a groan. “You know what we need?”
    “What?” asked Eddie.
    “An adult.”
    “You’re seven thousand years old, Mercury. I think you qualify.”
    “Only on paper. I’ll admit that I’m the smartest, bravest, most heroic, and apparently richest angel on Earth. But I don’t want to be in charge of anything. I’m not cut out for it. I’m not sure any of us are.”
    “What are you saying?”
    “As much as I hate to admit it,” said Mercury, “Heaven is a stabilizing influence on this plane. Yes, there was the whole apocalypse thing, but that was an anomaly. For seven thousand years, the authorities in Heaven kept pretty good tabs on this place. Michelle has an authoritarian streak, but you have to admit she’s largely been a positive influence. She just needs guidance.”
    “You want to try to reestablish contact with Heaven,” said Eddie.
    “I don’t want to do anything,” said Mercury. “But it’s like you said. If we don’t do it, someone else will. Imagine if Tiamat figures out a way to travel to other planes while the rest of us are still cut off from Heaven, with no way to call for reinforcements. Sure, she could do some damage if she managed to rebuild Chaos Faction with whatever demons are still running free, but the real risk is that she finally discovers the secret to interplanar travel. She could recruit demons from all over the multiverse and bring them here.”
    Eddie nodded, his brow furrowing. “But nobody knows how to build a portal generator except Balderhaz, and he’s disappeared as well.”
    “’Disappeared’ is a subjective term,” said Mercury.
    “You know where he is?”
    “I think I could get a hold of him if I needed to.”
    “Okay,” said Eddie, thinking it over. “I can see the value of focusing on building a portal generator rather than trying to locate the other angels. But if you really think it’s a good idea, why haven’t you started on it yet? Why haven’t you already contacted Balderhaz?”
    “Denial, I guess,” said Mercury. “Also, a project like this will take a lot of money. And I didn’t know I was loaded until five minutes ago.”
    Eddie nodded again, rubbing his chin. Mercury was actually making some sense. If Balderhaz really could reestablish contact with Heaven, it might be their best bet for keeping Tiamat under control. Suzy would probably be a little disappointed they wouldn’t be using her algorithm after all—but at least it had gotten them to Mercury, and Eddie was sure they’d find some other use for her.
    “All right,” Eddie said. “Let’s do it your way. When can we get started?”
    “Well,” said Mercury. “First we need to find Balderhaz.”
    “Okay, how do we do that?”
    “You have to understand,” said Mercury, “he may not want to be found.”
    “I understand,” said Eddie. “But you have some way of reaching out to him?”
    “Well, yes,” said Mercury. “It’s not a foolproof means of communication by any means, but I can give it