Free For Goodness Sex by Alfred Vernacchio Page A

talking about something in a deliberate way.
     
    2. Plan the talks, not the “Talk.” Parents often think they have to sit down and have a formal talk about sex with their kids. Not so. As I discussed in the last chapter, those talks often backfire and can produce huge anxiety for everyone involved. Instead, think about having a conversation with your kids not in one long session, but in lots of small snippets. “Isn’t it nice that Gloria on Modern Family lets her son, Manny, express his feminine side as well as his masculine side?” “Don’t you think this ad of the woman in a bikini is ridiculous? Who’d want their boobs hanging out like that?” “Isn’t it crazy how people fall in love on TV in ten minutes?” These kinds of ongoing interactions really give kids insight into their parents’ values around sexuality without feeling as though they’re being lectured. Also, your kids feel more connected to you when they realize that their parents think about some of the same things that they talk about with their friends. Just as you might have a hard time thinking about your child as a sexual being, believe me, your teenager has no interest in thinking about you as a sexual being either! But these kinds of casual remarks help them to see that you are, and you’ll get a spark of recognition.
     
    3. Try and try again. Many kids shut down their parents when they start to talk about sex, and eventually they just stop trying. Don’t. Your children want to hear what you have to say, even if they act as though they’re being tortured. Think of it like fishing. You’re going to cast a whole lot of lines, patiently, before you get a nibble. Cast into the waters without expecting a response. When it’s time to have bigger conversations, you’ll both be ready and comfortable. And when you incorporate sexuality into your day-to-day conversations, you’re sending an important message—that sex is a normal part of our existence. You’re providing a healthy model for your kids’ thoughts about sex.
     
    4. Broadcast your feelings. I remember when I was younger and was watching a TV show with my mother. There was a gay character on the show, and I felt an affinity toward him. As we watched, I wanted one of my parents to say something, anything, about this character because it would help me place him in the larger world. “He’s funny.” “He’s disgusting.” “Oh, that poor man.” But they said nothing, and the silence sent a huge message. If you’re watching TV with your kids and there’s a scene where a same-gender couple is expressing affection toward each other, you might say out loud: “Isn’t that sweet?” or “Gee, they really seem happy together.” Or whatever fits your own value set. You’re giving your child context in which to place two gay characters. The same is true if a couple is heterosexual. If a couple is about to have sex on screen, don’t get up and fill your water glass or suddenly stop speaking. Instead, give your children some idea of how you feel about it. “That’s kind of an intense reaction to bringing donuts home, isn’t it?” “I wouldn’t want to hop into bed with somebody I just met.” “Isn’t he married to someone else?”
     
    5. It’s never too soon to start talking and keep talking. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to begin talking to your children about sexuality at a young age. And no age is too young. When preschool children play with their genitals, how you respond matters. When your third-grade daughter is called “flat,” what you say can frame the way she thinks about her body and her sexuality. When your kids are looking at toy catalogs that divide the world strictly into boys’ and girls’ sections, will you affirm or challenge that notion? These are all conversations about sexuality, and it’s important to take advantage of these moments so that your kids feel comfortable talking to you about sexuality as they grow