Free For Goodness Sex by Alfred Vernacchio

of the moment
Because societal expectations make you feel like you have to.
    The top five reasons why girls would have genital sexual activity are different:
Because she was asked to
Because she wants to keep a relationship going
Because she feels peer pressure from her friends or boyfriend
Because they’re in love
Because they want to experiment or try new things
    The top five reasons why boys wouldn’t have genital sexual activity are:
They are insecure about their body or about their penis size
Religious beliefs
Questioning their sexual orientation (maybe they’re gay and not yet out)
Fear of getting a girl pregnant
Insecure about their knowledge or ability to have sex
    The top five reasons why girls wouldn’t have genital sexual activity are:
Fear of pregnancy or STDs
Religious beliefs
Fear of getting a bad reputation
Haven’t met the right partner yet
Fear that it will hurt
    There are a lot of interesting assumptions in my students’ answers. If boys are presented a chance to have genital sexual activity, there’s no reason not to do it. It’s rare to find a guy who says he’s not ready for sex. Many heterosexual girls assume that the first time having intercourse is never pleasurable because “it’s supposed to hurt.” (By the way, many heterosexual boys also think that it’s going to hurt for girls the first time, but they don’t think about ways to avoid that either.) I frequently remind students that when sex is something both partners want, instead of something one or both feel pressured into doing, it’s a much better experience, no matter what the sexual activity is. Having a conversation about why you’re both into it can make it more pleasurable for everyone involved. Being fearful or overly anxious can make it less pleasurable. Notice also the heterosexist assumption that if a boy isn’t having genital sexual activity, it might be because he’s gay. I have to address that so we can make sure we’re thinking about the full spectrum of diversity and including everyone in our ideas.
    Now here’s an interesting assumption that you may have about your teenager’s sexuality: They’re not supposed to feel pleasure. It can be scary to deviate from the baseball model for many parents, because otherwise they have to face the fact that their child may disrobe and seek sexual pleasure with another person. Remember when I mentioned in previous chapters that sex needs to be presented as a necessary and normal part of life? That means acknowledging that our children are sexual beings, that other people will be attracted to them, and that they will have feelings of attraction toward others. I know the thought of your child having sex may make you skittish. But don’t even go that far. Let’s begin by thinking about all of the other things that kids tend to do first: hold hands, make out, slow-dance. They’re OK, right? Let’s start there. Now jump ahead to when your child is in his or her twenties. Many parents tell me that they want their kids to fall in love, get married, and have children of their own someday. But someday doesn’t just happen. There’s a journey to get there, and it starts today. So how do we help young people take those first steps today? We talk to them about it. How do you do that ? Here are a few ideas:
     
    1. Don’t talk about sex—yet. This may seem counterintuitive, but there are so many conversations you can have about sex without actually talking about naked bodies or intercourse. Remember, you’re the person building the framework for their ideas about healthy sexuality. Talk about communication styles. Talk about love. Talk about news stories that relate to views on gender or sexual orientation. Remember, our sexuality is more than our genitals and what we do with them. To be able to get to those conversations, start with something broader, especially something that can give you an “in” to more direct conversations about sexual activity. The key is to start