Free For Goodness Sex by Alfred Vernacchio Page B

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    Infants, toddlers, and young children are naturally curious about their bodies and about the differences between theirs and others’ bodies. Conversations with young children about sexuality and bodies can begin the moment they notice their genitals. In these early years, it’s important to be upfront and open about what their body parts are and what they do. The most important things to remember when talking with young children are to take your cue from them, be sure you know what they’re asking, and answer the question in as matter-of-fact a way as you can. Remember, when little ones don’t know how to react to a situation, they look to you for clues. If you’re upset, they’re upset. If you seem scared, they’ll feel fear. The more relaxed and comfortable you are, the more normal and healthy sexuality will seem to them. So for example, if it’s your practice during bath time to name body parts as you wash them, don’t make the genitals any different. “Now I’m washing your arm and your hand and your fingers. Now I’m washing your chest. Now I’m washing your vulva.”
    Let’s look at a more extreme example—when you are the focus of sexuality. Let’s say your seven-year-old walks into the bathroom while you’re changing a tampon. What do you do? Again, take your cue from the child, who may think you’re hurt. Many children would naturally associate blood with injury. You might just need to reassure them that mommy’s fine. If the child asks what the tampon is, say it’s a tampon and it’s something grown-up women use sometimes to help them stay clean and healthy. You can add that it’s not anything little children need to use. You don’t have to go into a detailed description of the menstrual cycle—your child isn’t asking you for that information.
    Young children will explore their bodies naturally. It feels good to touch themselves, and it’s normal. It’s your job to help them understand when it’s appropriate to touch themselves (at home, in their bedroom, in the bath), and when it’s not. If you’re at the library and your daughter puts her hand down her pants, take her aside and explain why it’s something reserved for home. “Honey, we only touch our vulva in private places like at home or in the bathroom. The library isn’t a private place.” If a child is too young to understand the difference between private and public, then they’re too young to understand why you’re trying to make them stop doing something they find soothing and pleasurable. In that case you can try substituting something else that’s soothing and pleasurable. Treating bodies as shameful or secretive has negative effects on kids as they get older.
    Many kids in elementary school will begin to wonder where babies come from. Obviously, all parents handle this question differently, but I suggest being open from the start. Rather than storks or doctors and nurses, try a G-rated version of the truth: “Mommies and daddies can bring their bodies together in a very special way to make a baby. It’s not something that people your age can do yet, but when you’re grown up you’ll be able to do it.” If you feel comfortable saying that making a baby entails daddy’s penis going into mommy’s vagina, that’s a perfectly appropriate message.
     
    6. Be sure you know what question your child is actually asking. I know a woman whose second-grader came into the kitchen and asked, “Mom, where did I come from?” Seizing the moment, Mom launched into a flurry of descriptions of birds, bees, seeds, and eggs. The youngster stared at her, puzzled, and said, “Oh, ’cause Amanda said she came from a hospital. Did I come from a hospital too?”
    It turns out “Where did I come from” was really the logistical question “Where was I born?” Likewise, the question, “Can you get pregnant in a swimming pool?” might be a question about sex in public places, or about the spermicidal properties of