Free 100 Unfortunate Days by Penelope Crowe Page A

have decided to write it under a pseudonym, because even though most of this is information just flowed through my mind onto the keys in a blathering, spurting fit, some of it is close to true, and I do not want to hurt anyone or have to explain myself. If I did I could not be honest and I could not write anymore and I would like to continue.
    Over the past few days I have thought of the names I could use for my new birth certificate, my new author name. I started thinking of names on graves that are kind of funny, like Frank N. Stein—not that I would use that—but the inspiration is there. I used to wish I had a twin and I could do anything I wanted to her. For instance, I could cut her hair and see what she looked like because she would not care because she belonged to me. This is kind of the same thing. I wish I could do this without being myself, yet still get the credit for it. This is day seventy-eight of one hundred unfortunate days.

Day 79
    I like porn where there is bondage. I don’t want to see anyone truly hurt or injured, but I love the domination and submission aspect of the whole thing. I like it when the man acts like he loves her, yet is still going to punish her. I love to see kissing on the mouth, but only if there is real chemistry—not just senseless domination with the poor girl sad and gasping for breath.

Day 80
    There is the nothing sadder than being rejected.

Day 81
    Your own personal and specially chosen demons watch you like a cat. They know your every weakness and eat you up from the inside out. Whatever is hard for you, they will make harder. If you enjoy something that is bad for you, they will make you love it and crave it. They will make you think if you don’t have that one perfect thing you will die and that’s why you shouldn’t have it. Because after all, it is the only thing that really makes you happy.
    Demons blind you against what is right and make you not really care about anything after a while. You will be able to make excuses for yourself for just about anything. If there is a hole in you—that is the perfect place for them. If there is a crack in you, this is where they get in. Doubts? Doubts are like a playground for them because they use them in endless ways. They can take one doubt and turn it into dozens. The dozens turn into hundreds. Nothing will ever seem clear again.
    Demons make it appear that nothing is black and white. In fact, everything will fade to the same dull, moss-covered shade of grey, and even if you want the blackest night to help cover and protect you, it will not come. The grey will permeate everything you see and you will begin to send your demons onto others without knowing it. You will see other people as bad and intolerable. You will know they are beyond help—when actually, it is you. You won’t be able to think of anything but yourself.
    The good thing is, you won’t be afraid anymore—not afraid like you used to be—like when you were a kid when fear blazed in your stomach and you could feel the adrenaline pump in your veins because you knew something was after you and you also knew you had to get away before it was too late. When you did make it up the cellar stairs, you were exuberant and felt happy for hours. You told everyone what happened.
    You escaped the boogie man. But now it is too late and you are not scared anymore. Because the demons are in you and they are part of you now. Now the only thing you are afraid of is forgetting how to smile. They make you tired and bored and vicious—and you don’t really care. So how do you get out of this? Every once in a while you feel a glimmer of hope, but it doesn’t last long because you have too many other things to worry about (like how your kids won’t talk to you, and how your husband is mean and calls you names). Or you feel sick again, and just how long can one single day last. You forget how to keep the demons from running your life. So they take over and run you for as long as