Free Longing by Karen Kingsbury Page B

and looked off again. “I remember him saying that. He’d tell us players to walk the halls of school and spread kindness.” He allowed a light bit of laughter. “That didn’t come naturally for most of us. Not back then.”
    “For you it did.” Bailey smiled. If they only had a few minutes left together, she wanted to find her way back to a place of friendship with him. The way she felt when he first got here. “Remember? You wanted to know about that Bryan guy I liked, how he was treating me? You were like the perfect older brother.”
    “Mmmm.” Cody stared straight ahead for a long beat and then found her eyes once more. “The perfect older brother.”
    Bailey realized how that must’ve sounded. But she didn’t care. “That’s what you were back then.” She smiled and gave a light shrug. “Of course, I had a fierce crush on you the whole time, so yeah …”
    The depth in Cody’s face, his eyes told her he was struggling. “Bailey …”
    Whatever he wanted to say he must’ve changed his mind. What could he tell her at this point? That he still had feelings for her? It was too late. That was the sad truth. No matter how long she had loved Cody and no matter what they’d found together once upon a long ago summer, time had moved them to different places. And here … now maybe he was right to keep his feelings to himself.
    Or maybe not.
    She leaned closer, no longer shivering. “Say it, Cody … what were you going to tell me?”
    For a long time he only looked at her, as if by doing so he could will himself back to those summer days, back to the time when it seemed nothing could ever come between them. He reached out like he might take her hands in his, but then he seemed to change his mind again. Instead he let his eyes do all the holding either of them were willing to do on this November night. “Like I said … if I could do it over …”
    Her anger from earlier was gone. “We had something very special.”
    “We did….” He looked up, clearly desperate for answers. He found her eyes again. “I didn’t know how to hold onto you. You’re so good, Bailey. I wasn’t sure I could … I could be everything you needed.” He clenched his teeth and breathed in sharply, the sound a reflection of the way his words grated on his heart and hers. He allowed a quick shake of his head. “It wasn’t the drug dealer. I mean … deep down, I wasn’t really worried about your safety.” He exhaled, and the look in his eyes, the ocean of caring and lovingwas finally,
finally
the look Bailey remembered. “You were off and running, Bailey. Finding your life. Filming a movie with Brandon Paul, of all people.”
    “You weren’t afraid for my safety.” It wasn’t a question because she understood now. Like never before until this moment, she understood. “I get it. You were afraid for your own.”
    His expression told her she’d hit the reason exactly. “Yes. Losing you … I wasn’t sure I could survive it. So … I told myself it could never work. I walked away instead of believing in us.”
    “Because that was easier?”
    “No.” Cody sat up a little and his strength was palpable. This was the soldier who had survived Iraqi captivity and later saved a whole platoon. “I wasn’t looking for the easy road. I was looking to survive. Blame it on the Army training. When a direction is certain death, we go the other way. Survival, Bailey, that’s all.”
    She wasn’t sure what to feel. Yes, she understood now. But that didn’t make his decision right. It didn’t change the fact that they’d both lost in the process. Bailey drew back, putting enough space between them so she could think clearly, so she could remember once more that they’d moved on. This wasn’t that summer, and Cody wasn’t her boyfriend. She closed her eyes and focused on God, the plans He had for her, the fact that He worked all things to the good for those who loved Him.
    But what about this, Lord? What I am supposed to