Free What Does Blue Feel Like? by Jessica Davidson

baby’s in your arms.
    But to a woman, James, to a woman,
    it’s a different story.
    She cried,
    oh, Jesus, did she cry.
    And all I could do was hold her.
    I watched her fall apart.
    She was so sad
    and I felt like it was all my fault.
    If it wasn’t for me, she wouldn’t have been pregnant.
    There wouldn’t have been a baby to lose.
    A long time went by
    and eventually she told me
    that if I’d stopped holding her
    she would’ve wanted to die.
    No matter what’s happened with this girl, James,
    she needs you.
    She needs you to be there for her.
    She needs you to hold her.
    It’s time for you
    to be a man.
    A real man.

Watching
    When James/Jim goes away,
    his dad thinks about
    the funny business
    of raising kids.
    Teaching them how to
    walk,
    talk,
    and a million other things.
    Watching over them like a hawk,
    jumping in to save the day.
    To reassure and make it right.
    Then —
    when they get a little older,
    all you’re allowed to do is
    watch.
    Watch them do stupid things and
    dye their hair funny colours and tattoo their bodies and
    drive recklessly and sneak out of the house and
    drink when they don’t think you’ll catch them
    and do all sorts of stupid stuff and
    all you can do is
    watch.
    Because you’ve gotta let them go,
    sooner or later,
    you’ve just gotta let go
    and hope you did okay.

Jim/spin me right round
    My head is spinning
    with everything that’s happened today
    and it’s only ten in the morning.
    Char has cracked up
    (more than usual).
    Dad knows about Char and me
    (everything that happened)
    and Mum and Dad lost a baby years before I was born
    (and I never had a clue).
    There’s no way I can go to school today,
    not with a head like this.
    Why is it that everything always happens all at once?
    Â 
    I head to the beach
    and watch the waves for a while
    before peeling off my shirt, my shoes, my watch.
    I dive in,
    into the icy water
    and gasp.
    When I emerge,
    I feel
    renewed.

Char/waking
    I wake.
    A combination of dried snot and tears on my face,
    perpetual knot in my stomach,
    sheets tangled around me.
    For a second,
    it’s peaceful.
    Then I remember.
Their little girl
    I can hear my parents fighting again,
    and this time,
    I know for sure what it’s about.
    They’re blaming each other
    for me being like this
    even though it’s no one’s fault but my own.
    I stand at the top of the stairs,
    watching them fight.
    â€˜Shut up you two! Just shut the fuck up!’
    I’ve never sworn at my parents before,
    and I didn’t mean to even speak.
    They stop fighting, and look at me,
    astounded.
    My knees crumple
    and I sit on the stairs,
    sobbing like a little girl.
    I can’t remember the last time I cried in front of
    my parents.

Dressing for battle
    I have to wear jeans to the shrink’s.
    Mum and Dad won’t let me have the razor in the shower to
    shave my legs,
    in case I off myself, I suppose.
    Mum says she’ll stand in the bathroom and watch,
    if I want.
    No way!
    I’d rather be hairy.
Looking crazy
    In the waiting room,
    I look around suspiciously,
    looking for crazy people.
    There’s only two other people in the room,
    apart from the receptionist.
    A man in his forties who blinks a lot
    and a girl about my age
    wearing a T-shirt that says,
    Keep staring – I might do a trick .
    I have the feeling that I would get on well with her,
    but we’re not exactly at the school social.

Botox and jeans
    The door opens eventually
    and a woman who doesn’t look that much older than me
    steps out and calls my name.
    This must be the shrink, I guess.
    I put on my mask
    of composure and happiness
    and follow her into the room.
    Â 
    She tells me her name is Vivian,
    which matches the name on the certificates on the wall.
    This woman must’ve had Botox
    because there’s no way someone who looks that young
    can have done that much studying.
    Botox for sure.
    And she’s