Free What Does Blue Feel Like? by Jessica Davidson Page A

wearing jeans — jeans!
    Wonder if she has razor issues as well.
    She must go crazy, listening to people and their problems
    all day.

Telling my secrets to strangers
    She asks me questions about school, and music,
    trying to get me to talk, I guess.
    She asks me how I ended up in her office.
    I tell her I can’t sleep.
    Tell her that Mum and Dad found condoms and alcohol
    in my room.
    Tell her they’ve overreacted.
    Tell her it’s nothing.
    It’s like a test,
    see if she’s got a bullshit detector.

First things first
    She tells me that there’s no point wasting my parents’
    money if I don’t want to be there — won’t do anybody
    any good.
    If I don’t want to be there, I should leave,
    because you can’t help someone who doesn’t
    want to be helped.
    She says that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom
    before you can start going up again.
    I know what she means.
    I tell her that I want to be here,
    can’t live like this much more.
    I wasn’t planning to say that.
    It just slipped out.
    She must be good.

But
    I still don’t say anything, waiting for her to give up and tell
    me to go away like the school counsellor always did.
    But she doesn’t.
    She waits.
    Suppose I’ll have to talk.
    I ask her if she’ll tell my parents what I say.
    â€˜No. What is said in this room stays in this room. But if you
    tell me you’re going to go and do something that places
    yourself or other people at risk, I’ll have to act on that.
    Deal?’
    I guess.
    This woman must be crazy,
    wanting to listen to my problems.
    Wonder what she’s getting paid to do it?

Drug of choice? Life
    I don’t tell Mum and Dad what we talked about,
    even though I know they’re dying to find out.
    Tim asks if I’m mentally stable yet,
    and I thump him,
    then grin.
    Mum’s bought me a box of wax strips for my legs,
    a peace offering I guess.
    She shakes one out of the box,
    rubs it between her hands,
    and puts it on Dad’s chest ...then rips it off.
    The scream brings the neighbours running.
    But Mum, Tim and I grin like Cheshire cats.
    I know
    it’s a temporary high,
    but it feels good.
    That night we sit on the lounge room floor
    watching telly,
    eating pizza and drinking Coke.
    That’s happened about two times in our house.
    Mum and Dad are big on table manners and health food.
    It feels good,
    doing something so different and yet so normal.
    After dinner,
    I have a bath,
    with heaps of bubbles.
    I make bubblemen, sitting on the edge of the bath,
    and give myself a Santa beard.
    Then I sink into the steamy water,
    and chill.
    It feels so good, it should be illegal.
    I’d forgotten
    about natural highs.

Greetings
    Jim knocks at the door
    and Char’s dad answers.
    Before he lets him in,
    he gives Jim a warning.
    â€˜Despite appearances,
    Char isn’t better yet.
    So, go gentle.
    And if you hurt her,
    you’ll rue the day.’
Holds her tight
    Jim walks up the stairs,
    knocks on the bathroom door.
    He goes in,
    takes off his clothes
    and gets into the bath with Char.
    Water splashes over the sides as they adjust themselves,
    bodies settling against each other,
    slippery as fish.
    Eventually,
    Jim sits with his legs straight out
    and Char’s back rests on his stomach.
    He holds her tight,
    kisses her neck,
    tenderly washes her hair with bubbles and water.
    He’s clumsy at the hair washing,
    not so good with long hair,
    but he’s gentle.
    He thinks about what his dad said.
    And he holds her tight.

And then
    Jim doesn’t sleep over
    and I’m lying in bed, feeling
    relaxed
    sleepy
    calm
    peaceful
    almost — good
    when my phone beeps
    with a message
    from Guy.
    In an instant
    that feeling is gone.
    I’ve basically done to Guy what Jim did to me.
    The knot in my stomach is back.
    With a vengeance.
    What am I going to do now?
    How can I tell Guy
    that I had a bath with Jim?
    That it didn’t mean