Free Diary of an Assistant Mistress by Teri Power

least by me). He wanted to run it. I wanted to watch Coriolanus. For a fleeting moment I thought about videoing Coriolanus, then realised the obvious.
    Instead we had a row. I said that I was fed up with films that treated human beings like animals ... and vice versa!
    Friday 8th April
    James went off, still in a huff about "Teenage Sex Rompers Reveal All Their Dangly Bits" and I settled down to polish off the ninth year reports. Now I have only the tenth year profiles to finish off for the weekend.
    There is something seriously wrong with the pipery in this house. Every time I empty the sink, the shower starts filling up.
    Saturday 9th April
    Tea at the vicarage. John entertained us with hair-raising tales about the state of the plumbing at the vicarage. He thinks the C of E could put some of its millions into improving the lot of the clergy - though he concedes there are better causes.
    Sunday 10th April
    Another sleepless night. James is getting used to the fact that I can't sleep the night before going back to work, the trouble is I don't really feel like his suggestion for passing the time either.
    Monday 11th April
    The honeymooners returned to work. Edie is already beginning to look more tired than I remember her.
    Today I overheard Pat and Frank having a heated discussion about a re-entrant triangle. It struck me that I very seldom hear Maths teachers talking about their subject in the staffroom.
    English department meeting. Again I cannot remember what was discussed so I will make something up for the minutes.
    I had to bring the Skoda to work to bring in all the paperwork. Naturally I could not persuade it to take me home. Torquemada's attempt to jump-start it only had the effect of partially frying his leads. Then Brad turned up and between them they succeeded in pushing it so I could start it. A PE teacher and an RE teacher - I thought the job needed brute force and ignorance! However, I refrained from mentioning this and I was truly thankful.
    Tuesday 12th April
    At the year meeting we learnt that our registers have to be filled in differently. All pupils born before 12th April have to be marked in blue ink and all pupils born after 12th April have to be marked in red ink, whereas all those who have reached their sixteenth birthday should be marked in green ink willy nilly.
    We have all been issued with new registers and given until Friday to fill in this year's attendances in the correct colours. The lunatics have taken over the asylum.
    I raised the matter at the NUT meeting at Ruskin House but no helpful suggestions were forthcoming. We will hold a school meeting tomorrow.
    Ruskin House bar is not a sexist male preserve though it was jam packed with male trade unionists. I noticed a lot of heads were turning in our direction but I think Amanda's extremely tight-fitting trouser suit may have been something to do with it.
    All through our discussion - which was mainly about administration in schools - she kept absent-mindedly scratching and itch in the vicinity of her left breast. I found it distracting, some of the other customers did too judging from their eyebrows.
    Wednesday 13th April
    Everybody turned up to the NUT meeting today to register their protests about the workload. It is the register fiasco which has sparked this off. Some hapless soul from regional office turned up expecting a round-up of the usual suspects About sixty extremely vexed teachers was a bit of a shock for him.
    For the time being we will return lists of absentees to the office and keep the registers pristine while the issue is taken to a higher level. Olive is going to be cross tomorrow.
    Thursday 14th April
    Day one of the great register revolt. I noticed Torquemada's register was the only one in the box. Scab.
    Olive called a meeting for after school and everyone who could attend did so.
    When we came in, the hierarchy was arranged impressively along the top table; Olive in the centre, bristling like Margaret Thatcher in one of her