Free Hopeful by Shelley Shepard Gray

been terrible. Gretta and Joshua already had two children and were expecting their third. Clara’s twin girls were almost two years old and adorable. Though Judith didn’t begrudge them their happiness, at the moment it would have been too hard to watch.
    “I didn’t need them here, Mamm.”
    “They want to help, dear. And they could help you with the haus . . . .”
    Judith couldn’t care less about what her mother thought about the condition of the house. She hadn’t invited her mamm over, and she was too old to be shaking in her boots about her lack of housekeeping efforts.
    Her temper snapped. “Mamm, this is my home. I know it’s a mess right now. But to be honest with you, I don’t care.”
    After giving her a long, thoughtful look, her mother said, “Daughter, I promise, I did not come over here to be critical. I came over to ask you to think about taking a little break from your duties here.”
    “What are you talking about?” As far as Judith knew, she didn’t have any duties—besides taking care of Ben and the house. Which she hadn’t been doing.
    “Daed and I would love for you to be home for a bit,” her mother said with false brightness. “Anson and Toby and Maggie would love it, too.”
    Little by little, Judith was starting to realize that her mother’s invitation hadn’t been instigated by her poor housekeeping.
    And Judith knew it had nothing to do with her smaller siblings missing her. Anson was eleven now and had time for only himself. Toby was nine and thought only about school. And Maggie? As much as Judith adored her little sister, everyone knew that Maggie’s heart belonged to her adored brother-in-law, Ben.
    So, what was the reason? Was Mamm merely worried . . . or had Ben asked her to come? “I can’t move back home.”
    “I’m not asking you to move home. Just spend some time there.”
    “Because?”
    “Because you need some help.” Her mother’s tone was matter-of-fact. Firm.
    Judith arched an eyebrow. “I don’t need any help. And I am just fine here.”
    Leading the way into the living room, her mother touched the top of the sofa like she was afraid the fabric would dirty her blue dress. “I don’t think so. Please consider coming home for a week or two.”
    “Mamm, I could never go home for two weeks. And what about Ben? He needs me here.” The moment she said the words, she felt the guilt overwhelm her. What she, her mother, and Ben all knew was that she hadn’t been doing anything for Ben in the last two weeks since she’d miscarried. She certainly hadn’t been cooking or cleaning.
    “Ben is working so much at the store, I doubt he’ll mind if you take some time to seek the comfort of home.”
    “But this is my home.”
    “Judith, you know what I mean.”
    Yes, she supposed she did. Ever so slowly, her mother’s unannounced visit—and Ben’s insistence that she dress—was starting to penetrate her haze of pain. “This isn’t a spur-of-the-moment idea, is it?”
    “I’m afraid not. Your father’s been talking to Ben at the store.”
    “Does Ben want me to leave? Does he not want me here?” Though she tried to conceal it, panic set in. Was Ben mad at her because she couldn’t seem to stop crying?
    Terrible questions steamrolled and flashed in her head, faster and faster.
    Did Ben want her to leave because she couldn’t have children? Did he not want to be married to her anymore? What would she do if he no longer wanted her to be his wife?
    The panic grew and strengthened. Gaining energy, hurting her ability to breathe.
    Her mother gripped her shoulders hard, almost shaking her out of her stupor. “Judith, please. Please calm down, dear. You’re upsetting yourself.”
    Her eyes welled with tears. “I’m not upsetting myself. I am upset.”
    “Oh, my sweet girl. I so hate to see you like this.”
    The tender endearment, so often said when Judith had been a little girl, brought forth a vulnerable response. “Mamm, I’m trying. I