Free Larry Goes To Space by Alan Black

light reading as he could. Light reading would be necessary if he was a zoo animal. After all, there is only so much feces you can fling around your cage in a day.
    Larry decided he could quit worrying about asking Scooter for a copy of their book, How to Serve Man, since he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be supper. That made room for the big question.
    Why had Scooter and his people, the Teumess, come to Earth?
    Why try to get him to volunteer if all they needed were a few biology specimens to cut on? At least they were going to be polite about it if he was in for a little probing.
    Larry asked, “Hey translator. Put this is your memory. For now, I will refer to the beings in this ship as the Teumess. You are still to translate it to Scooter as “the people”, but when he talks to me, you can refer to him and his species as the Teumess.” That should help him in his understanding.
    The whole conversation was just like talking to his ex-wife. When he said, “let’s go to bed” she would often say that she wasn’t sleepy. Of course, he had a different activity in mind, but the words were not always clear in their meaning. Maybe considering the way things turned out with Nancy, she really had understood what he meant in the first place.
    He asked Scooter for clarification, “The Tetra are your leaders then?”
    “No. The Tetra can only commit the Teumess to a course of action related to space travel and activities between other worlds and other species. They declared we must gain your cooperation or we may all die, or die and then be eaten, or be eaten and then die.”
    “Why just take me? Hey! Give humans a little help and time and we can put together a fighting armada that will protect you.”
    Scooter laughed. “If you could see the faces of my comrades behind me, you would know how very repellant that course of action would be to the Teumess. One human is crazy enough without a bunch of you running around space. I think the Tetra have lost their senses to even send us to bring one of you to our home. If we must do this, then I must do it honestly and on my own terms. We are in danger and we may all die. Further, you will not be welcomed on our world any more than you would welcome a hungry shark into a pool full of your own children.”
    “Well, boy-howdy!” Larry grinned. “You sure make it sound appealing. It sounds exactly like a Caribbean beach resort full of half-naked women, except it ain’t. I haven’t had such an exciting offer since God asked me to help spread out the first shovel full of dirt.”
    “Please restate? The words translated, but the context did not make sense.”
    “It doesn’t matter. I’m going. Give me some time to pack some fresh undies and get Dad to check on the place while I’m gone.”
    “But, I just told you that you might not come back. This is distressing, yes?”
    “This is very distressing yes, a very big yes. But I’m still going if you can feed and water me occasionally. Dad will know what to do with the place if I don’t ever come back,”
    “Our medical staff has said your DNA sample shows you to be remarkably Teumessian. We will have ample food stuffs for as long as you are with us.”
    “Hey! You didn’t need to pick up the box to get the results?” Larry pointed at the DNA box. It still sat next to the translator.”
    Scooter shook his head. “The technology is simple. Wireless data transmission was easy.”
    Larry laughed. “For you, Scooter, but not so much for me. I know you said maybe about getting back, but if we do, maybe you can gift me with a few bits of technology that we don’t have.”
    “Technology exchange is a decision for the Tetra. But as a Teumessian, if you return here, I promise that I will do everything in my power to gift you with anything you desire.”
    “Dang it!” Larry shouted in glee. “I’m all for that, but listen up Scooter. Don’t be making promises you can’t keep. The trip itself is a reward beyond