Free Selby Splits by Duncan Ball Page B

lipstick on your head.’
    ‘What?’
    ‘I said, the only way you’ll ever make up your mind is to put lipstick on your head.’
    ‘I can’t hear you,’ Prunella said again. ‘Something’s gone wrong.’
    ‘Oh, no,’ Selby thought. ‘The ear-piece has got rain in it. It’s not working! I can hear her but she can’t hear me!’
    Selby watched as Chantelle-Anne started to smile again.
    ‘You’re so stupid you’d stay up all night studying for a blood test,’ Chantelle-Anne said.
    Panic spread across Prunella’s face.
    ‘That’s what
you
think!’ she snapped.
    ‘Prunella, no! Just walk away! Don’t say things like that! Oh, no, she still can’t hear me!’
    ‘You know why things go in one of your ears and out the other, Zipper-mouth?’ Chantelle-Anne said.‘Because there’s nothing to slow them down! Ha ha ha. But you do have a soft heart. Unfortunately you’ve got a soft
head
to match. Ha ha ha! I’ll bet you sing like a nightingale. You certainly have a
bird
brain! Ha ha ha!’
    ‘Walk away, Prunella! She’s killing you!’
    Selby watched in horror as Prunella suddenly put her hands on her hips and started swaying in the wind. The kids fell silent and watched. So did Chantelle-Anne.
    ‘She’s doing
The Pose of the Reed
!’ Selby thought. ‘She’s trying to calm herself down! Now they’ll really laugh at her! What’s she doing now?’
    Selby watched as Prunella did
The Pose of the Poppy
and then all the other poses from Mrs Trifle’s book. By the time she got to
The Pose of the Stick
and, finally,
The Pose of the Stone
, the kids were laughing their heads off.
    ‘This is terrible!’ Selby cried to himself. ‘Why did Mrs Trifle give her that book?!’
    Suddenly Prunella rose to her feet and gave a huge yell: ‘Oooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!’ she screamed. ‘Shu-Kik-Shin! Shu-Kik-Shin! Kik! Kik! Kik!’
    With this her feet shot out like bullets, hitting Chantelle-Anne and sending her rolling in the dirt. The kids gasped as Prunella drew a deep breath and pressed her knuckles to make them crack.
    ‘No! No! Don’t kick me again!’ Chantelle-Anne pleaded. ‘I’m really sorry, Prunella, honest I am.’ By now there were tears rolling down the big girl’s face. ‘I won’t pick on you any more, honest! Please don’t kick me!’
    ‘Okay,’ Prunella said calmly. ‘But if you do, that was only a little taste of what I’ll do to you. Do you understand?’
    ‘Please don’t do it again, please. I promise I won’t pick on you ever again.’
    With this Prunella turned and walked calmly back into the school. The kids cleared the way. Selby could hear them clapping.
    ‘I don’t know what to think about that,’ Selby said, shaking his head. ‘All I know is that life is full of surprises. And if it isn’t, my name’s not Selby, the talking dog.’
    ‘It’s working again, Dr Trifle,’ Prunella said. ‘What was that about a talking dog?’
    ‘Oooops, nothing, Prune. Just talking to myself.’
    Paw note: See the story ‘The Dangling Dog’ in the book Selby Spacedog
.       S

MADAME MASCARA’S PASSION POTION
    ‘Hair of dog!’ announced Madame Mascara, the former fortune-teller turned cosmetics millionaire. ‘I need hair of dog.’
    ‘I beg your pardon,’ said Mrs Trifle.
    Selby watched as Madame Mascara dashed past Mrs Trifle and into their house, carrying a large iron pot.
    ‘I am making a potion,’ Madame Mascara explained.‘And there are a few things I need.’
    ‘A what?’
    ‘A potion. A brew, drink, a bit of this and that all mixed together. It’s right here in
Ye Olde
Booke of Potions and Spelles
,’ Madame Mascara said, holding up an old book.‘I’m short a few of the ingredients. I thought you might have some. One of them is
hair of dog
. I could just clip a clump of fur from little dogums here.’
    ‘Hey, hang on!’ Selby thought. ‘How would she like someone to clip a clump from her?’
    ‘Tell me more about this potion,’ Mrs Trifle