Free Selby Splits by Duncan Ball

my knees are knobbly and my hair sticks out everywhere — not like hers — and my eyes are different colours and —’
    ‘She’s being silly. Have you told your teacher what’s happening?’
    ‘No, I don’t want to be a dobber,’ Prunella said, bursting into tears again. ‘I told Mum but she just says to ignore her. But how can I? Shekeeps saying things about me. She says, “You have a face like a flower — a
cauli
flower.” And “Is that you, Zipper-mouth? Or is it someone imitating a stick-insect.” Things like “I see that you’ve got something on your mind today — ooops, sorry, it’s only your hat.”’
    ‘Those aren’t very funny,’ Mrs Trifle said.
    ‘No, but it makes the kids laugh at me.’
    ‘Your mother is right — ignore her. If you ignore her long enough, she’ll stop.’
    ‘I just wish I could say things back. I’ve tried but I can never think of what to say. I looked up some funny insults on the Internet. There’s this comedy thing by Gary Gaggs, the comedian.’
    ‘Yes, I know Gary. He’s a friend of ours.’
    ‘Well he’s got these joke insults. But when Chantelle-Anne starts in on me I panic and forget them. All I can say is “I know you are but what am I!” and stuff like that. The kids only laugh more. I just feel like beating her up but I’ve never beaten anyone up before. Besides, she’s bigger than me.’
    ‘Beating her up is not the answer, Prunella. Don’t even think about it.’
    ‘I hate this Chantelle-Anne girl,’ Selby thought. ‘How could she be so cruel to poor old Prune? She’s such a sweet girl. She even saved my life one time.’
    ‘I’m scared to go out for recess,’ Prunella said. ‘What can I do?’
    Suddenly Mrs Trifle noticed the book that lay open on the floor.
    ‘This could be your answer,’ she said.
    ‘Is it a book of insults?’
    ‘No, its a way that ancient warriors used to make themselves calm before a battle. If you’re really calm, nothing will bother you.’
    ‘Does it work?’
    ‘I don’t know. I’m only up to page four. Here, borrow it. See how you go.’
    ‘Hang on,’ Selby thought. ‘I was just making myself calm too! Oh, well, maybe itll work for her. But I reckon it would be much much better just to get that horrible Chantelle-Anne girl back. Thats what I’d do — if I could only think of how. Hmmm.’
    For the next week Selby’s brain raced around in circles like racing cars on a speedway as he tried to think of a solution to Prunella’s problem.
    ‘If she could only remember Gary Gaggs’ insults,’ Selby thought. ‘But I know what she means about forgetting things when she panics.’
    Suddenly, a light came on in Selby’s brain.
    ‘Dr Trifle’s cam-collar!’ he thought.‘The one I used in New York! It’s perfect!’
    Selby searched through a box of Dr Trifle’s old inventions till he found the tiny device. He removed the tiny ear-piece and tiny microphone, putting the camera part back in the box. He grabbed the big microphone and turned it on.
    ‘Testing, one, two, three,’ he said. ‘Great! It still works perfectly!’
    Selby put the device in an envelope marked ‘Prunella’ along with a note. He left it on Prunella’s doorstep just before the girl came home from school and then hid in the bushes across the street.
    ‘Good,’ he thought. ‘I can see her from here and she can’t see me.’
    Selby watched as the girl opened the envelope. She read Selby’s note out loud.
    ‘“If you want to get back at that Chantelle-Anne girl, then pin the microphone to your shirt and put the ear-piece in your ear.” Hey! What’s going on here?’ she said looking around. ‘Who left this here?’
    After a while, Prunella did as the note said.
    ‘Now to turn on my mike,’ he thought. ‘Hello, Prunella. Can you hear me?’
    ‘Yes, I can hear you. Who are you?’
    ‘This is Dr Trifle,’ Selby said, doing his perfect Dr Trifle imitation.
    ‘Where are you?’
    ‘Never mind about that, Prune. You