Free Selby Splits by Duncan Ball Page A

and I are going to play a little trick on Chantelle-Anne.’
    ‘We are?’
    ‘We are. Mrs Trifle tells me that she’s been picking on you.’
    ‘All the time,’ Prunella said.
    ‘Well you and I are going to make her regret that she ever picked on you. Would you like that?’
    ‘Yes, of course,’ Prunella said, still looking around.
    ‘There’s one condition — nobody’s allowed to know about this, okay?’
    ‘If you say so. But why are you hiding, Dr Trifle?’
    ‘Never mind about that,’ Selby said.‘Tomorrow, before you go out for recess, pin the microphone on your shirt where it doesn’t show and put the ear thingy in your ear. Don’t let anyone see you do it. Then let Miss Smartytrousers say something and I’ll do the rest.’
    ‘But I don’t understand.’
    ‘You will, Prunella, you will.’
    That evening when the Trifles had gone to bed, Selby booted up their computer and printed out the Funny Insults page of Gary Gaggs’ Gagg Bag web page.
    The next day Selby hid in the bushes outside the school as the kids came out to play. He watched Prunella step nervously out the door.
    ‘Okay, Prunella,’ Selby said again. ‘Whatever happens, keep smiling.’
    ‘Here she comes now,’ Prunella whispered. ‘I’m scared.’
    ‘Don’t be.’
    Selby watched as the bigger girl stood in Prunella’s way. The other kids gathered around to watch.
    ‘Well, well, well,’ Chantelle-Anne said. ‘Did anyone ever tell you that you’ve got a pretty little head? It sure is
pretty little
! Ha ha ha.’
    Selby could hear the kids laughing. He quickly thumbed through Gary Gaggs’ funny insults.
    ‘That was pathetic, Prunella,’ he said.‘Tell her this: As a wit, you’re not half bad, Chantelle-Anne. In fact you’re a
half-wit
.’
    Selby listened and watched as Prunella delivered the line perfectly, throwing back her head at the end of it and laughing. All the kids laughed along with her.
    ‘Good one, Prune,’ Selby said. ‘Now let’s see what she says.’
    ‘You’re so thin,’ Chantelle-Anne said, ‘it would take two of you to make a shadow.’
    Again the kids laughed as Selby searched through his page.
    ‘That’s even more pathetic,’ he said. ‘Hang in there, Prunella. Here’s one: Excuse me,Chantelle-Anne, but is that your head or is your neck blowing bubble gum?’
    Once again Prunella said the line like a real comedian. This time the kids laughed even harder.
    Chantelle-Anne’s smile began to fade as she said: ‘Yeah, well is that a pimple between your ears or is it your face?’
    ‘Pimple schmimple,’ Selby said. ‘She’s losing it. Hit her with this one — I used to think you were scatter-brained but now I know you don’t have enough brains to scatter.’
    ‘Oh yeah!’ Chantelle-Anne said angrily.‘And you’re so skinny you have to run around the shower to get wet!’
    ‘Keep smiling,’ Selby said. ‘You’re winning. Here you go: You know, Chantelle-Anne, if ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest girl alive.’
    ‘What? I don’t get it?’ Chantelle-Anne said.
    ‘She doesn’t get it, Dr Trifle.’
    ‘Who are you talking to, skinny minnie?’
    ‘Don’t talk to me!’ Selby said.‘Here’s one she’ll understand: Looks aren’t everything, Chantelle-Anne. In fact, in your case they aren’t
anything
!’
    With this the kids roared with laughter and Chantelle-Anne was fuming.
    ‘Do you want to lose five kilos of ugly fat?’ she screamed.‘Then cut off your head!’
    ‘Hopeless,’ Selby mumbled. ‘Tell her this: You’ll go far, Chantelle-Anne — and the sooner the better.’
    Suddenly a light rain began to fall. But no one seemed to notice. And so it was that a tiny raindrop made its way down into Prunella’s ear.
    ‘What’s that ugly growth on your neck?!’ Chantelle-Anne shouted. ‘Oh, sorry, it’s your head!’
    ‘Ridiculous,’ Selby said. ‘Hey, I’m enjoying this. Here’s one for her: The only way you’ll ever make up your mind is to put